


What Happend to Terra

by warriorKitten



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-09-12 02:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9051928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warriorKitten/pseuds/warriorKitten
Summary: The title is pretty self explanatory...this fic takes place after the events of the last episode of Teen Titians "Things Change". I...don't know what I'm doing.





	1. I Love Lizzie

First off,

I am not a writer.

So don’t get angry at me, if I’m not articulating things properly. I’m doing the best that I can ok.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you’re like; fuck. Fuck, I am a soul inhabiting this body, I am making reprehensible and tangible real decisions, that are floating all around my real, real, human body. Fuck.

When I was younger I loved neon. Traffic lights and diner signs. I would pretend I could travel through there warmth. I felt safety from that irrefutably glistening neon. The lights of every city waiting in the distance, are my mother. My father is the warm,warm soil I stand on. He is the outdoors. And the empty crimson desert, at sunset, is my savior.

Have you ever leaned on the outer walls of a random suburban house?

I know these are all non sequiturs

None of this is coherent.

This is just the way my brain works I guess.

Anyway, I could always tell when a house was empty. Without looking in the windows. (duh.) Empty houses have a different feeling. I can’t really explain how, they just do you know? Maybe that’s kind of my super power. Metaphorically of course. But metaphorical super powers are way better than regular super powers. Regular super powers are overrated.

What I’m getting at is, I woke up in the dark. And the dark had that empty house feeling, but like, times a million. I longed for traffic lights. 

I remember being five and sitting on my dad’s lap. It was cold. I could see my breathe. We were at one of those highway rest stops. The nice kind-with a park, blanketed in fresh marshmallow snow. Behind lingered fenced in woods. I could hear an owl hooting in the distance. We were waiting for the police. Child neglect. I thought the police car lights looked pretty on the snow. I watched the vast earth turn blue. Then red. It beamed through my entire existence.

They took my dad away. A cop sat next to me on the damp sidewalk, trying to persuade me to come with him. I wasn’t supposed to talk to strangers. He smelled like pizza and cigarettes. His beard was grisseley. Nothing like my fathers. I wanted nothing to do with him. But he still sternly grabbed me by the hand

When the ground below shook, I really thought it was the gates of hell trying to swallow me up. I’m not sure why. It’s not like me and my dad were super religious or anything. But we lived in the motel 6. And once there was this elderly couple that was staying in the room next to ours. The wife was always saying these prayers. She gave me candy once. It tasted like laundry.

When the earth shook I had never been so terrified in my life.

I ran for the woods.

Away from the cop.

The woods were dark and almost looked like smoke, bellowing out of dozens of chimneys. I could still hear the owl hooting. It was there in that darkness. We were friends somehow. The five year old girl and the owl. But I’m older now. And everything is different when you’re older. When you’re in the dark, you're irrefutably in it on your own.

I don’t know why I woke up. I swear I don’t. It doesn’t really make sense to me. I don’t know if I died or I was just in some comatose state. I don’t know. I wasn’t in heaven, which I know isn’t exactly the Shyamalan twist you were looking for. But I wasn’t in hell either. I just wasn’t. And then I was again. That’s kinda messed right? I mean imagine what that can do to one’s psyche? Do psyche’s have a capacity? Like if enough trauma happens, can they just explode? Boom. kaplowey. It’s outta here!

I woke up underground. So gee I wonder why I woke up in the dark. I know I keep saying that phrase. But it was really freaky man.

Existence is something indefinable and out of grasp.

Anyway there was a lantern underground.

And a grave.

My grave.

Memories came back in rushes and heaps. Like waves crashing against rocks. Thrashing me around. I was not a good person

Who the fuck am I? That’s what you’re wondering right?. (p.s I don’t know what’s up with the swearing, it’s new) I go by Lizzie now. Lizzie Preston. Elizabeth Preston. Sounds all fancy right? Lizzie of course does not swear….often. My real name

It’s Terra

When I woke up…In the dark

The first thing I did was rip out all these metal shards in my skin. It would have been nice if I came back all angelic, in a white dress and junk, but nope; Just the standard muddy, and medal implanted resurrection. They go all the way into my nervous system so, they’re still in there. But I got the parts covering my body off.

I know this isn’t too relatable

If I was a writer, this would be the perfect time for some context

But I already said that I’m not.

All I’ll say is;

I make bad decisions

After I got the medal suit off, I was all bloody and naked. And if you think that’s sexy please stop reading. Just stop. I felt really confused and vulnerable; so actually it sucked. I had some pajamas hidden away last time I was here, but I had no idea how long I had been gone. Months? Years? Three seasons? Who could know.

Anyway doesn’t the phrase ‘cave pajamas’ sound funny. Like pajamas for your…never mind

I’m deflecting

Sorry

It’s not easy for me to talk about being so weak. Bloody, naked, disoriented, looking for cave pajamas.

That’s like psyche dynamite!

Lizzie Preston is like my masterpiece.

You might think that prancing around with a fake name is easy but its not.

You need to be really committed. See you need a whole new personality. Coming up with Lizzie was hard. Lizzie is shy but nice. Lizzie’s parents fight but will never divorce. Lizzie lives in the suburbs. She loves the outdoors.

no.

that’s too much like me

(Terra)

Lizzie hates bugs and would never be caught alive camping.

Lizzie may have scratches and scars on her arms and legs but it’s not weird or anything.

From a horseback ridding accident when she was a kid.

Her upper middle class family used to own a few horses on a horse farm. But they were sold a few years ago

Lizzie has been afraid of horses ever since the accident.

I

(Terra)

cant ride on horses and because of my bruises no one will wonder why Lizzie wont.

Pretty smart right?

Pretty clever for the imbecilic minion archetype.

When I first met the Titans

I had his whole thing going on. I was that chill granola girl. The modern nomad of the west, who could handle anything. I thought I could keep it up. I thought I could just make myself be like that. But it didn’t work.

even though I was different I was still me. I was still-

Terra.

And I am undeniably a black hole that destroys everything in it’s path.

But with Lizzie it’s different

it works.

Parallel lines mirror each other but never touch

iv'e somehow cut myself off…from myself. And it’s fucking great…you know cus of the whole black hole thing mentioned five sentences ago

Lizzie doesn’t know how to find the best diner in any town. She doesn’t eat weird food. And laugh at bad jokes. She isn’t a trader. She isn’t mean or bad. She isn’t on the verge of a metal break down every second of every day. She’s stable. In all aspects.

Are you reading this? Is anyone reading this?

I don’t know why you would

I don’t know why anyone would want to read about a cryptic, pretentious, crybaby who has voluntary multiple personality disorder.

But if you are-

if you are reading this.

Thank you.

were almost caught up with the present now I swear.

Oh but wait…

crapppppp

I should probably explain what happened when I was five, huh?

Writing is hard.

In case your'e wondering,

No I did not live off my days in rest stop woods, raised by owls. (though that would have been cool) but me, a five year old, had a little trouble climbing the eight foot fence.

I ended up living with my Nanna

I only remember two solid things about her

She seemed to always be drying the laundry while watching tv

And once she told me that boys will never pay close enough attention to girls as they should. For some reason that seemed vaguely threatening to me… I wasn’t sure if she meant boys Should be more considerate or that they should keep a closer eye on the women. Cus we are All of course secretly witches. (duh)

After the earth cracked at that snowy little rest stop, everything would be very different for the rest of my life, I just didn’t know it yet.

They started out like seizures. Random and and uncontrollable. Because I’m a freaking idiot it took me awhile to realize it was all linked to me.

I could move the earth

(!surprise!)

sometimes I could control it.

The first time I moved a rock without touching it I almost pooped my pants

I thought holly dang moully

I’m gonna be a super hero.

I’m totally gonna save people, and have signature moves, and really cool boots.

(I was really into thrift store combat boots back then)

unfortunately-

I

am

very

dumb  
(yay)

 

99% of the time I couldn’t control my powers. And that’s when they were the strongest. That’s when you had mountains collapsing, and enormous boulders flying around. I had a lot a lot a power. And I’m not bragging or anything. That was the problem. But I was still like “hey I wanna be Batman, I’m sure this will all work out in the end.”

spoiler

this was not the case.

When My Nanna died. I just kinda left. I know that was really messed. I just had this feeling like I had to get out of that house or I was gonna burst.

I was ten.

I didn’t want to be placed in the care of the government. I was afraid they would find out about my powers

My dad used to keep 14 boxes of unopened Lucky Charms in our beat up car. 14 was his lucky number. He said they would keep the government away. Maybe it was just the paranoid schizophrenia but I’m not so sure. Maybe he knew about my powers. And where they came from. Why I have them. But he’s dead. long dead.

It would have been nice if he was the one who taught me how to control them

Look I’m not gonna talk very much about slade

I just cant.

But he did teach me. so…whatever. If I ever used powers now, it would just be him. All of it would be him. He taught me how to dial it back if I started to loose control. (my specialty) I could draw the invisible energy I was providing and pull it back into my stomach. Well now my power is deep in my stomach.

Deeper.

Its down, down, down.

In the bottoms of my feet

as gone as it can possibly be

I’m never using my powers again.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’m going to school and pretending to be this girl, and making fake friends. It’s just really, really nice. Lizzie is normal. She doesn’t have anything to be guilty about. She hasn’t done anything wrong. So when I’m her, neither have I. No baggage. No terrible awful guilt. It can all just leave me alone when I’m her.

But I knew

it was only a matter of time until my delusion was ripped open like wounded skin

I suddenly had the sinking feeling that everything was about to change. But i’ll get that. Once I stop stalling…


	2. When There's Trouble it's Probably Me

I guess I started this “private” blog as a way to deal with what happened last week. Except I keep dancing around it.  
I keep getting distracted  
like lately,  
all I can think about is maple syrup. I have this strange new curiosity with it. I just can’t help but wonder;  
if I could down a whole bottle!  
I’m not sure what situation would need me to do that but like;  
I need to know.  
I think I could. I have an iron stomach and no impulse control. I mean-  
no!  
I didn’t start writing to hypothesize about the various amounts of syrup I can intake.  
last week  
aaaaafjfjfjfjrfgvnonvopngvpsaaa

!!!!!

why can’t i do this? it’s not really that bad I just  
I just hate it when Things Change

I was walking “home” (my creepy dirt death cave) ((where else am I gonna live?!)) don’t judge me!  
fuck i’m already off topic  
ok  
I was walking home when I heard someone call out my name. Not Lizzy or Elizabeth or Mrs. Preston, as I had grone a custom, but my real name. I hadn’t heard anyone call me Terra in so long I had almost forgotten what it sounded like. I felt like this weird shock- This jolt of anxiety just zoomed up my entire body.  
but you know-  
lots of people are named Terra. I mean its not the most common name. But its not like my name is jupiter-pennutbutter-buttface. The probabiblity of someone in this city having my name is pretty likely  
except-  
I recognized the voice. I mean how could I not. But I didn’t look. I wasn’t going to entertain that thought. I couldn’t be real yet. let me be lizzie for a little bit longer  
please  
please  
please

I calmly walked into this laundromat, but inside I was clawing and yelling, full on batshit me, destroying cities and lives and junk.  
“keep it in your feet,” I told myself.  
“don’t loose control.”  
“dont.”  
I sat down in the laundromat, right on the tile floor and began to breathe heavily  
someone asked me if I was alright  
I could feel biol rising up my throat  
I looked up at the lady. She was carrying a heavy pink laundry basket. Sweat dripped down her dark face.  
I mutter something about how there isn’t any air conditioning in here and leave.

I have two strawberry go-gurts in a cooler and a 5-Hour-Energy drink at home. I feel hungry, but I don’t want to be out and about right now.  
I probably freaked out over nothing  
but I was having mad war flashbacks  
all I want to do is take a ten hour nap and feel like lizzie in the morning.  
all I want to do, is not be.

When I get back to my private catacome the first thing I do is lie down on this comfy seeping bag of mine. I get in it and pretend I’m a catipilar- you know like you did when you were a kid. I think I must of been really mental cus I just sorta?  
started rolling around in the cave. like I was in a warm straight jacket. I rolled to the darker parts of the cave, almost subconsciously. It was like I was mostly asleep and the part that was awake just felt like goofing off and pretending to be a caterpillar. If other people were around it would be more normal.  
I think.  
suddenly I was far away from my headstone  
I don’t know why, but I started to think about bugs that wonder underground  
there eyes aren’t needed because its so dark  
eventually they adapt and go blind.  
It’s interesting that loosing a part of yourself can be an adaption.  
It’s never that dark here. I have a flashlight but I barley need it. I can see sweet street lights oozing from the gutters at night.

Maybe going blind wouldn’t be to bad.  
Until you decide to leave the cave, then suddenly everything is whooshing around you, scraping and clawing and you can’t see any of it. You have no idea whats being done to you. You just kind of have to go along with it.  
until you get your eyes back.  
And then you realize.  
And then-

I hear a noise.  
my blood runs cold.  
No one goes down here.  
I hear someone talking  
nothing autobile.  
I ditch the conspicupus sleeping bag and come forward  
never to be seen  
I slink  
I’m good at slinking  
but my legs are shaking like crazy

“guess I havent been here in a while”

I hear it. Faint and muffled. I ventured farther away then I thought  
was I right before? about-  
no.  
Yes?  
It had to be.

Maybe this crash was inevitable. A giant collision that nothing could stop. Its obvious. My new involvement is like a snake forever entangled with the un-avoidable consequences of my life.  
whatever happened that made them go away was gone

the Titans were back

and Beast Boy was at my grave

looking for me.

and where was I?  
I felt my real life pulling me like gravity. I wanted to barf.  
He visited me? more then once?  
Missed me?  
Why?  
All I do is ruin  
so why?  
I could feel my blood start to boil. I was so angry. I wanted to scream  
why?  
Why would anyone be stupid enough to care if I was alive or dead.  
lizzie maybe, but me-  
no way  
no.  
I felt hot tears running down my cheeks  
“I don’t exist.” I whisper  
“I dont”  
“I dont”  
“I dont”  
I clutch my fists and huddle in a human ball.  
“please”  
“please”  
“please”  
but still-  
I was quite  
he didn’t hear me.  
but BB saw that I was gone and would now be looking for me.  
I’m glad I don’t exist.  
I reval in it.


	3. I Don't Know The Appropriate Length Chapter Titles Should be and I Don't Care!

I woke up late for school, which was odd for me because I usually wake up with the sun. Though I guess nothing about me is "bet on it" consistent. I tried to mess with my hair but it seemed kinda pointless considring the 92 heart attacks I had last night. But those weren't Lizzie's problems. I had to remember that. My life is like a really dark version of Hanna Montana. 

During first period my kind of friend Stacy hits me with a piece of note paper. I open it discretly. 

"hey you seem kinda off today?  
everything alright :p " 

crapity crap!  
I keep thinking about Beast Boy being back.  
((best accidental rhyme ever!))  
I try to push it down. Like I do everything but I keep switching between me and my alternate personality. I hoped it wasn't too obvious but apparently I was wrong  
I pick up the piece of paper 

"yeah I just didn't sleep well haha" 

I hand the note back to Stacy  
she slips me another piece  
I internally roll my eyes. I'm not in the mood for this today. It feels so pointless and shallow. Which I usually love but today it makes me feel disgusting.  
It seems everything makes feel disgusting eventually.  
I read the note

"lets talk at my locker after class :):):)"

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.  
How would lizzie feel right now?  
I can't channel her  
fuck!!  
I put my hair behind my ear but it just plops back in my face like always  
Terra hair  
Terra body  
Terra actions  
Lizzie isn't real you dumb fucklord! 

I meet Stacy at her locker. The whole hallway smells like perfume with a dash of cionide. Everything is so much worse today, even though nothings really changed. But then again everything has.  
Hasn't it?  
Stacy waves me over. Her strawberry lip-bomb shining so bright I need sunglasses.  
Stacy: hey so guess what 

me: I guess that, the school is infested with hip hop alogaters that seem mean but have hearts of gold

Stacy: huh? yeah totally! but nope...I know who likes you!

she smiles and says it in this taunt-y sing-song way 

me: ok well I was pretty close with the whole alligator thing then

she gives me a pity laugh 

Stacy: aren't you gonna ask who?

ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Why! Today!

me: who?

Stacy: Sam Laster. Do you like him back? I bet you do! 

honestly I had no idea who she was talking about.  
I shrug my shoulders shyly, coming back into my persona 

me/ Lizzie: I don't know...maybe 

Stacy: though he said you look like a bitchy cheerleader 

(why does every one say that!!!)

stacy: but then he was like; she seems totally down to earth... 

hahahahahhahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah  
oh my god!!!!!!!  
what!!!  
I'm sorry I know this probably isnt the most eloquent writing you've ever come across but  
dude thats hilarious

stacy: aww your blushing

actually I was trying not to burst out laughing but whatever. 

stacy: I ship it! 

Ok man whatever, I think. I wonder if Lizzie is the type girl who likes.. whatever his name is. Maybe they would get married and have kids and live in one of those houses that has a billion houses just like it, row to row. Maybe she wants it. But do I? Normalcy has been like a narcotic the last few weeks, but forever? I don't know. Part of me wants to leave town. Find a diner with a sassy waitress and great pie. Work there. Live in a tent in a canyon. 

A tiny anomaly stirs in my stomach. Part of me yearned for myself.  
But I couldn't go back to the way I used to live.  
look where it got me.  
and things I've done.  
no  
I can't deal with it man 

My belly rumbles. I'm still hungry from last night.  
I realize Stacy is still talking to me  
I try to focus  
so hungry...  
Even though Stacy is almost as skinny as me, she's constantly eating McDonalds. Like three times a day, every day. She always smells like french fries. I wonder if she has a Mc-whatever in her backpack  
She stops talking.  
I nod my head like I was paying attention 

me: got any food?! 

Stacy: random much... 

I plead with my eyes  
she shakes her head. 

I move through the rest of the day like a zombie. But the kind that doesn't eat anything apparently.  
I wonder if I can scrape together enough cash to get some takeout after school. Maybe if I sold all my hair I could buy some wontons.  
Just like The Gift of The Magi  
sorta...

Ok I know you're probably getting readers whiplash by this point. Im like a ping pong ball dashing between dark existential freak-outs and quirky one-liners to deflect from them.  
I guess this might be a good place to add a disclamair  
no, the begining of the story is a good place to add a disclaimer  
but again, not a writer  
if you're planing on rooting for me,  
dont.  
I'm not looking for redemption just because I hate the things I've done  
just because I hate myself  
I've always been rotten I just didn't always know it  
It's easier when you want it I guess  
personally I just want to avoid confrontation all together.  
Everyone should just leave me alone  
feeling sorry for yourself doesn't make up for the crap you've done  
ok I did save the city once and die in the process...  
but I did also happen to be the one who took control of, and almost destroyed said city, sooo  
Hmm... I'd have to save a billion cities to make things straight  
and I don't want to  
I really don't  
I don't even want to exist remember  
so don't root for the nonexistent.  
maybe no ones even reading this but i'm just waring you  
I suck... 

By the time school gets out I feel like rolling into a ball again  
I think about what happened yesterday when I got off from school  
because of course  
do I even have to look;  
Beast Boy is there  
I tell him I don't know who he's talking about  
"who's Terra," I say. My gut reanches, and not just cus I'm super hungry  
first of all I guess I lie because, well thats what I do  
god i'm a peice of shit  
but in a way, thats why i'm doing it. I don't want to mess up his life anymore than I already have.  
Also, friends anchor existences and I really, really, just want to disappear.  
right before I died I told BB he was the best friend I had ever had  
so pretty big anchor  
but convincing him it's all in his head??  
messing with peoples minds is fucking-  
welp it s too late now so I guess it doesn't matter what it is. 

I begin to walk away with my kinda-sorta friends when he mentions something about pizza...  
I don't feel bad for Beast Boy  
I don't want to hang out with him or find out how he's been  
I just want pizza ok

******  
Wow Am I anxious!  
I don't know what to write about first.  
everything is hard and sad and nothing is chill  
I guess I'll start with the pizza.  
Pizza is pretty chill I guess, depending on what you put on it and how much you eat  
nothing about how I eat is chill  
my taste buds are all whack or something  
but Lizzie is normal so no weird foods  
I had gotten pretty used the livelyhood of cheese pizza and one soda. No combinations.  
It was nice.  
It was simple.  
but  
BB didn't even ask what my name was. I didn't get say  
'actually who you are looking at is Lizzie Preston, normal girl who eats normal pizza, and normal soda.' He didn't ask because he new it was me. There was no point in asking  
but I wasn't going give up that easily  
not if I could somehow save him from the radioactive mess of a girl I am  
the girl who doesn't deserve any forgiveness  
infact that notion infuriates me  
Beast Boy was my friend but he needs to give up on me for his one safty  
I mean I did that years ago and everything is-  
super duper obviously  
even if I have gone totally mental 

committing is tough.  
This meant that I couldn't eat the pizza he ordered covered in anchovies  
Lizzie wouldn't eat something like that in a million years 

guys I am so hungry  
but it doesn't matter  
I've defiantly gone longer without food

Beast Boy thinks I lost my memories  
that would be nice  
he must be so confused  
I mean I was just confused watching Vertigo so...  
(seriously I did not get that movie) 

Maybe it's time to leave.  
it's been real (ly fake) but I always knew Lizzie wouldn't last forever  
maybe I should go to the other side of the planet  
like the north pole  
I hate the cold but maybe they have lights  
are there any cities up there I can't remember  
theres the aurora borealis...  
I'd like to see that.  
Eventually my crap would catch up to me like it always does but  
it'd be nice for a little a while...  
There are a billion things wrong with me.  
But you know whats crazy?  
Last night Beast Boy was trying to jog my memory  
he through mud at my face like the smooth guy he is  
I really thought my powers would activate by reflex  
I really thought I would be busted  
but they didn't  
when I woke up in the dark, I didn't exatly test my powers, I just promised to never use them again. Is it possible they didn't come back with me? Is it possible I'm normal now?  
gee I feel kinda stupid for not realizing it. I guess I should be over the moon if it's true...I don't feel that way though. All the horrible accidents i've caused. Theses chaotic and destructive episodes of nothing but horror. And still-  
I think of me at age nine. lifting my fist rock.  
thinking I was going to be a super hero 

I'm going to leave. Probably not to the north pole. But somewhere. Tonight I think.  
That makes me sad. Things make me sad. Sounds crazy right? Only at the worst times do my emotions seem to be in tune with morality. Maybe only slightly. Slightly is enough to make me want to jump of a cliff.  
I really think I gotta split.

I go back to titans tower.  
I know that sounds really dumb but I'm not planning on talking to anyone. No goodbyes. I just want to sit by the rocks for a minute. Like I used to. That was nice you know. Just sitting and thinking. Having the freedom and luxury to sit. To think. To the look at the waves. Theres something strangely abnormal about the clutch of normality. Something that in reality only flashes by in glimmers.  
I imagine myself like I was back then.  
And before  
is that how I would be now? Lizzie seems to be fading. Maybe i'll find some other persona. It would be nice to give myself the slack to just be, myself. Without my skin crawling. Without anything like that.  
Just tough and cool  
the girl I always pretended to be  
always wanted to be  
I can leave  
I can sit at every truck stop diner in the region  
listing to tall tales from small town weirdos  
whatever they've got I can top it  
cus i've been everywhere  
and seen everything

sometimes when I walk into a room I own it. I mean people see me all small and nice and sometimes they want to save me. Of course they have it backwards. Because truth be told I'm tough and I've seen a lot. I don't own the room in an obvious since. But people will watch me sitting comfortably, anywhere. Like all i've ever done is sit there. And they'll subconsciously surrender the idea, that I don't belong right where I'm sitting.  
Sometimes I do this on accident  
sometimes on purpose  
because when your'e all alone you have to protect yourself  
when your a girl you have to protect yourself  
I could go back to that life  
in honesty I wouldn't be happy, but I could do it.  
I think I could do it.  
sure I'm a little more jumpy now  
sometimes I tremble  
sometimes I can't breathe. 

I skip a rock. it's so dark I can barely see the reflection of the water. It seems like this dark and judgmental abyss. I change sitting positions, suddenly antsy.  
Nostalgia is a shitty thing. It's a shitty, shitty thing.  
I know that, but regardless I start to get really bummed. I don't understand why I'm so stupid. If I wasn't stupid maybe I'd be happy right now.  
Or maybe i'm just evil. Maybe if you cut me open black goop would poor out. Probably. 

Suddenly I imagine myself floating away. Unevenly, like a balloon with barley enough helium. I bounce and bobble abound, slowly floating up into nothing. I scream and scrap despretly. Looking for something to hold on to. Something to tie me down. Somewhere to belong. But part of me wants to keep floating. It's strange; the two me's at odds. forever at odds.  
I don't want to be alone.  
I'm afraid of the dark.  
But the floating feels nice. so effortless and un-complicated. What chaotic peace I feel. Just floating away.  
"Just float away," I whisper to myself.  
Thats when I get a bright ass flashlight shined in my face and gracefully fall off the rocks. Kind of like when you catch a raccoon rooting through garbage  
I make out five blurry figures  
but I'm guessing you saw that coming right?  
busted. 

 

Cyborg: so you were telling the truth after all bb

Beast Boy: dude I told you! Why does no one ever take me seriously!? 

I try to get up, disorented

me: ugh, I think I have a concussion... 

Raven: I think you'll live

me: well my track record with living might say other wise 

I smirk. I still seem to be having trouble with the concept of getting up. But I manage to stand, wobbeling around. Maybe Im in shock. I think of balloon me floating up. I see her fall on the rocks  
splat  
i'm anchored 

Beast Boy: did you get your memories back? Is that why your here??

My little black heart breaks 

I think about lying. It is my best talent. Maybe I could just say I had amnesia until now. That seems easier. But it wouldn't exactly explain why I thought I was a school girl  
I realize everyone is staring at me  
waiting for an answer 

me: I....no

I guess i'm going with the truth 

me: when I was brought back the first thing I did was come here, I swear. But you guys were gone so....I was super freaked about being dead and Junk. I was walking in the street and this cop started hollering at me you know. Thought I was skipping school. I break down crying and he tells me 'it's alright, just get back to class' so suddenly I'm a student. And...well it was nice you know. Not having to deal with all my damage. Pretending was the only way I could cope

Raven: I wouldn't really call that cope-

Me: atleast I didn't commit any crimes okay. Thats good right?

I feel all shaky. Like every things about to come up. I push it back like always

Me: I'm sorry...

I lower my head, hair falling in my face 

Beast Boy: you were all alone

Me: it's cool i've mostly been alone my whole life...lives?

Starfire: I am conflicted but I am glad to see that you are alright. 

me: Thanks star that means A lot. 

theres awkward silence. I still feel shaky. 

me: Whelp. Sorry I crashed on your property. I'm fixing to leave town though, so you don't have to worry about me for much longer 

I give a crooked smile. Guilt rushing from my feet to my head. Making me want to run fast. Maybe I should move to Canada. 

Beast Boy: your leaving, I just found out your alive, you can't leave. 

me: oh come on bb you don't want me around 

Robin: I dont know how comfortable I feel with you running around out there

I get why, but this makes me mad. Ive been "running around" all this time and suddenly it makes Robin uncomfortable. 

Robin sees the look on my face and gives a half smile

Robin: no I don't mean it like that...atleast not entirely. Do you want to come inside?

me: uh you guys don't have a dungeon right?? 

Before I know it I'm in titans tower. Something I never thought would happen again. Out of habit I plop on the couch, then realize i'm only being tolerated for some inexplicable reason. Thats different then being welcomed. I sit up straight

me: I'm sorry

I say it softly. Like a bell 

me: for everything. You guys must hate me...except for Beast Boy. Which is a mystery to me. 

He sits next to me

Beast Boy: dude you messed up, but were friends, and friends don't give up on each other 

it sounded like something on a show for three year olds, but also made me want to cry  
"thanks" I say and lean my head on his shoulder. I feel his body go tense 

Robin: Terra...

I sit back up. Robbin looks uneasy like always. He used to Kinda scare me back in the day. Still does truth be told

Robin: I don't think you coming back now is a coincednce. Beast Boy you said you fought a slade robot at the carnival right?

he nodds

me: you went back to the carnival...wait who would be making Slade robots 

I crinkle my nose and almost jump off the couch

me: wait it's not me if thats what you think 

Robbin: it's not...

beast boy grabs my hand

Beast boy: Terra there may be something you don't know about. Something that happened while you were frozen 

Raven: something that has to do with my Dad

they all look at me 

Robin: Slades been back. 

I feel this shock go through me. My shaking body has started to buzz. Like thousands of evil bees inside of me. Near my nervous system to be exact. I'm gonna pass out 

me: well thats fine. I beat him once. and I wouldn't mind a round two

??????  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
???????????????????????????????

why would I say this, why?????????  
This is not fine. I am not fine with this. Totally not fine with this. I don't want to go for round two. I'd rather shove a power saw up my nose. Plus I don't even know if I have my abilities anymore! What am I gonna do, spit ball him to death?? 

Robin raises his eyebrow

oh no he can read minds now can't he 

Robin: that's the other thing. Do you still have your powers. Cus Beast boy said he through mud in your face the other day

Beast Boy: sorry about that by the way 

yep he can defiantly read minds now  
fuck  
I mean-  
age appropriate word of distress 

me: I was just faking it then. there working fine

?????dude??? maybe stop lying??? 

Robin: are you sure? cus Raven and I have this theory that-

me: ok fine!

I yell it not even meaning too. 

me: i'm not sure if I have them or not

I roll down lifellessly on the floor 

Cyborg: we've been fighting this thing. We don't know what it is but it turns into buildings 

robin: have you seen it before? 

I shake my head passively 

Robin: we were thinking maybe it was a manifestation of your repressed powers 

me: so like my powers have left me and now there this monster? 

I furrow my brow skeptically. 

Raven: There still inside you. But powers like ours are difficult. When you suppress them they find other outlets. If you start using them, the creature should go away 

Me: if I can...

I'm not even sure that I want to

Raven and I have similar abilities. But she has to keep her emotions in check all the time. I've used that before to exploit her.  
I suck...  
She uses things like meditation and neutrality to manage her powers. She always has to stay calm. I on the other hand have never been calm in my life.

I start to roll around on the floor like I did the other right in the cave. I think I have copulsive rolling disease. Is that a thing? I feel so much anxiety but i'm also surprised by how comfortable I feel here. I don't know what to take in first. I decide to stop being super weird and stand up

me: so what now? 

Robin: so this is where were at Odds. I think Slade is planning something

me: he is. 

I say it almost robotically  
I feel like I need a shower  
the type that cleans inside you

Cyborg: if we know anything it's thats He's probably ready for us

"so lets strike" me and Robin say almost Identically  
we look at each other for a split second, sharing a pang of mutual understanding 

Cyborg: we might be playing right into his hand 

Robin: so were just supposed to let people get hurt? I'm not prepared to take that chance. 

Starfire: Robin, you know the way that you can get, when it does come to slade 

me: Maybe I shouldn't leave

I'm surprised I said it. It seems like the opposite of what I would say 

me: he's gonna get his revenge. Whatever I do doesn't matter. Maybe he's even planning on me leaving... 

I don't feel...totally cool right now. I think I might pass out. 

Robin: well In that case, Terra, how'd you like to be bait 

I suddenly remember why I was afraid of Robin...


	4. Boss Fight #1

chapter four: Boss fight #1 

I sit.  
The air smells heavy but good. I feel slimy. Really slimy. Like a full on booger, but I push it down

Stacy set me up(Lizzie) on a "coincidental" date with Sam Laster. I'm just sorta going along with it  
I wasn't gonna go back to school but-  
I figured since I'm probably going to get killed it doesn't really matter. Tortured then killed if were being really accurate. He'll probably make me drink my own blended up hands  
a little too dark?  
anywayyyyy  
I don't think Lizzie can just disappear the way I always do. I'm not saying she's queen popular but still, when i'm her, I have kinda, sorta friends and everything!  
Being blonde helps...  
Part of me still wants to book it....like a really big part of me  
but I just get the feeling that, that will only make things worse  
might as well finish what I started  
tangle with destiny or whatever

Sam: sucks no one else showed up. I feel like a dork

"huh" I spring my head up, like I had fallen asleep while sitting 

gee-whiz I bet me just sitting here, not saying anything is kinda awkward.  
Poor guy  
but I don't really care that much. I do however care deeply for the french fries he ordered me.  
On there way right now.  
My heart quickens just thinking about it.  
fries....

I look at this Sam kid  
he has a small little cut on his eyebrow  
I like it.  
it's really the only thing about him that stands out. That and his dark eyes, like coffee. If I was like, a real girl with human emotion, i'd probably care more about this setup. I'd probably like his eyes. This sounds pretty cruel but the only reason I agreed was because I had such a high level of apathy regarding the whole situation. I guess it's nice to pretend to be normal. Really, really, nice. But I can't be Lizzie anymore. I know that.  
our food arrives.  
Were at this burger joint everyone at our school hangs out at; which sounds totally 50s right?  
I'm pretty sure they don't know about other restaurants  
but I don't care, I'm fine with anything when it comes to food.  
I grab the bottle of ketchup on the table and begin to drown my fries 

Sam: want some fries with your ketchup? 

he's broken our silence 

me: man I'm just getting started!

I grab the bottle of hot sauce and pour it over the ketchup 

Sam: no thats disgusting, your tastebuds are gonna die! 

me: You sir underestimate me 

I laugh a little 

part me wonders if Sam Laster is spy.  
But maybe i'm just being too paranoid.  
The night I found out Slade was back I spent hours digging around the cave, looking for bugs. I didn't find anything but I know there must of been somewhere I missed. I know he's watching me.  
Somehow  
probably right this minute  
I feel like my dad, terrified the government was after him.  
they told me he was Just crazy  
I'm defiantly a lune but that doesn't mean Slade isn't watching me. That he hasn't been this entire time.  
Watching me go to school and come back, go home, cry.  
all this time and I had no idea we walked the same earth anymore 

I take a bite of my "fries"  
there awesome.  
but I feel...  
well...I'm not sure what I feel. The wheal of emotion won't stop spinning  
just fucking pick something! 

Sam swallows a bite of his burger. 

Sam: so what do you wanna do after this?

me: I'm actually late. I was supposed to be somewhere after school today but I wanted to chill out here first.

Sam: I'm glad you did 

a few nights a week I go to titans tower and try to summon my powers back. But I haven't really been trying that hard.  
which I think is obvious to everyone.  
To me it's a loose, loose, situation. If I have my powers, then I have my scary, uncontrollable, monster, powers, but if I don't  
then I don't. 

It's hard to see the faces of people you've hurt.  
especially when you care about them.  
but I guess I kinda  
I dont know  
want to be helpful if I can

I know I can't make it right  
I know that.

I sigh out loud 

Sam: bored?

me: no way, fries will never not be exciting to me! 

I smile

Sam: you know, I think your'e kinda cute Lizzie 

kinda?  
not to sound conceded but we all know that I'm totally adorable right? 

I guess I haven't really examined myself enough to really know. Maybe I'm totally ugly and just never noticed. Maybe it's a total anomaly that Sam thinks i'm "kinda cute"  
it's just no ones told me otherwise.  
My face is kinda crooked if you look up close-  
forget it.  
I'm way to insecure about my insides to worry about my outsides  
I thank Sam and smile again. 

me: I really should bail though, is that cool?

Sam: you seem so different today 

guess I wasn't really trying to be Lizzie  
not really sure what i'm doing...

me: a girl can have more than one side right

I stick out my tongue  
am I flirting? why? I don't like this guy? I guess I just do what I think people want sometimes.  
I swing my backpack over my shoulders and leave 

I slink into titans tower trying to go unnoticed. I really shouldn't be late cus i'm kinda on un-official probation. To make matters worse once I get there I mostly just slack off and play video games with Beast boy which can be kind of infuriating.  
I'm terrible at video games.  
Actually if I focused I would be really good but I get distracted. I guess that could be said with anything when it comes to me. 

I do want to make it up to the titans in any way I can but-  
things would be easier if they just locked me up in there dungeon.  
sometimes I pretend to summon my powers,  
maybe I try a little,  
I mostly just make this face that makes me look constipated. 

I go into the bathroom and change out of my uniform, feeling suddenly exhausted, from the heat of the day. I run my fingers through my hair, feeling sweat at the top of my head. The tank I'm wearing is slightly ripped but not too bad. I go out and sigh loudly, announcing my presence. But the living room is empty  
ok?  
and I thought I was late  
I walk around the halls.  
empty.  
I pop my head in Beast Boys room suddenly feeling self conscious  
maybe i'm even less tolerated than I thought  
maybe I got the wrong day and i'm totally intruding  
maybe everybody'a dead!  
ok, like maybe I should perhaps chill out a bit. 

Beast Boy: oh hey Terra

me: where is everybody? 

Beast Boy: oh um, Robin said you can find him when your ready to get serious about training. That monster, energy...thing, did a lot of damage today.

me: you can't even prove thats me

sounds like me  
you know the causing damage and all

Beast Boy: so where were you today? 

I slump my shoulders down on to the floor, feeling more and more tired by the second 

me: ugh I guess I was on this lame unofficial date, I think it's drained all of my energy to be honest 

Beast Boy: on a date? with a guy? is he bigger than me??

me: considering you can turn into a Trex, only slightly 

beast boy: dang...

I tuck my hair behind my ear.

me: Is it ok to come in or uh..

Beast Boy: uh sure, sorry it's kinda messy...

I sit down awkwardly 

me and beast boy are friends,  
but not the way we used to be  
sometimes we can hang out and crack jokes but there's always that second 800 pound gorilla in the room

Beast Boy: I can't believe your, dating. hey is your back sore?

me: uh..?

Beast Boy: cus I think I'm seriously getting slept on

me: hahaha

authors note: hahaha

me: it's not like that. I just had a burger with Sam Laster cus this girl Stacy wanted me to...I wouldn't actually go out on a date with him

Beast Boy: Terra, you just did

me: oh yeah...huh.

Beast Boy: do you always do what people tell you to?

me: what else am I supposed to do? 

I fidget with my tank top.  
I can hear birds, but only slightly.  
I get a flash of something  
a memory.  
it's too blurry but, of the snow maybe?  
I hate the cold.

me: Sometimes I wonder if I don't have this thing inside me, that other people have, thats why I can't think for my self, thats why my decisions are so stupid and aimless. I'm afraid that if I look deep inside myself I won't find anything. i'm just hallow. Completely empty.

I almost jump up out of my seat, realizing how open i'm being.  
I immediately feel embarrassed.  
I can feel my face turning red  
I burry it in my knees 

Beast Boy: I don't think your'e empty

me: what if your wrong? 

I burry my face deeper into my knees, hair covering my eyes  
I wish I could steer the conversation into something lighter  
i'm usually good at that kinda thing  
master liar and deflector and blah, blah, blah  
but I can't think of anything  
I stay quite 

Beast Boy: I don't think Robin should of asked you to be bait for Slade. I know you're just trying to make it up to us but-

me: it's fine

i'm soft like a feather  
I hate feathers  
I hate all things soft  
I am like rock girl after all...  
fuck soft  
and fuck the snow 

Beast Boy: me and Robin kinda got into an argument about it...

me: i'm already causing problems. 

Beast Boy: no we worked it out, it's all potatoes and gravy...or something? 

I can tell he's lying but it's a nice lie.  
those are hard to spot in reality  
but...  
in fact I perk up a little 

me: i'm not really worried about being bait 

bad kind of lie 

me: you'll protect me right?

he nods but he's kinda taken a back that I would ever act so damsel crybaby. 

Beast Boy: I wish I would of the first time 

I raise my eyebrow

Beast Boy: when we first met. I shouldn't of let Slade near you. How could you of known 

I can feel my head getting hot  
I stand up.

me: you can't blame yourself! it's all me! I did it! ok it was me! theres nothing you could of done. don't be stupid!!

I can almost feel my eyes start to glow.  
almost.  
I sit back down submissively 

me: please don't blame yourself, I don't think I can take feeling guilty about anything else... 

i'm a feather again. 

I don't know how to process it.  
I don't like talking about this heavy stuff  
I hate feeling like shit even though I deserve it  
I like to think that in some other universe I was the type of villain that just stole socks or some shit  
like hey there she is-  
Terra the sock stealer  
she sure does steal socks  
but nope  
instead I try to basically kill all my friends because I hate myself  
I was like 'yo, i'm so afraid that if people find out how disgusting I really am, they won't like me, so lets just destroy them all.'  
I guess that part wasn't entirely my idea...  
it was more like I was told; "nobody else knows how disgusting you really are, and if they do they won't like you, so just destroy them" and i was like "logical!!!"  
whoopsie  
not the type of thing you can come back from  
if it helps-  
I never wanted money or power or world domination  
I have way to much social anxiety for that!  
Could you image me giving a speech, telling civilians to surrender?  
My face would turn all red and i'd stutter  
I'd probably have to do the thing standing backwards 

I realize it's been quiet for a while.  
things feel tense but soft 

me: I wish I knew how to lighten the mood

Beast Boy: sorry we don't have to get into it

me: did we not -you know- get into it? Guess my fuckery is one of those subjects that can never be completely covered...

Beast Boy: huh?

Me: I don't know. I'm pretty tired. Wanna go to the kitchen? Can I bum food?! 

I start to get up and walk towards the hall 

Beast Boy: don't you wanna go up stairs and try and train?

Me: Sorry but if you want to have philosophical conversations about why I suck, your'e gonna have to do it in the kitchen while I try to catch cheetos with my mouth! 

I run down to the kitchen almost smiling. I start radeing the cabinets. This is pretty impolite. Boy am I the worst huh?  
bb doesn't follow me down  
maybe I should just find chips and then leave  
ughghghgh  
I go back to Beast Boys room....with chips

me: you don't want to hang out?  
I eat a chip 

me: guess I'm no fun anymore huh?

another chip is consumed  
jeez I just had fries whats wrong with me?

Beast Boy: your'e my definition of fun

I had told him the same thing once. What a good memory. What a bad memory. 

Me: are you quoting me? because if so that's copy right infringement and you owe me one trillion dollars! And they have to be one dollar bills, or maybe you can pay them in the form of Twizlers. Forget it I want one trillion Twizlers mr. 

Beast boy: What are you gonna do with one trillion twirlers. dork!

me: double dork!

beast boy: dork...plus infinty 

I wrinkle my nose and stick out my tongue 

me: i've been foiled!!! Are you gonna put me in your dungeon now?! 

beast boy: Dude we seriously don't have a dungeon 

me: right...

I wink 

he sighs and we both laugh our heads off  
it's not even forced or anything  
we can just be goofballs together  
but then  
his face turns serious 

me: oh what, can't we just be weirdos for five minuets? 

Beast boy: It's just, the set up is in three days 

it's not gonna work  
but whatever I can be a team player  
I am the biggest team player ever  
in fact I usually play for both teams  
wait...  
thats not what I meant...  
probably.. 

I look at bb and nod my head solemnly 

me: i'm ready to be bait. If anything I was kinda always a worm on a hook. squirming around and such 

I'm not ready. But i've never been ready for anything  
never in my life  
would I have expected  
been prepared...  
never was I ready 

I think that Slade is watching my every move anyway. And I know that i'm part of some bigger plans. I'm not going to try to figure out what, cause it's probably convoluted and i'm a fucking dumb ass.  
I feel kinda calm about my impending doom. detached I guess? He probably knows about the titans plan to bait him out of hiding.  
But I want to somehow make them think that i'm helping.  
Even though i'm not.  
If I really wanted to help I would leave. Run far, far away. But i'm stuck. Like glue. Like really specific glue that lets me walk and move, but only to certain locations. 

but you know,  
sometimes when everyone's in the main room, and miraculously, so am I, and we pretend that it's normal.  
It makes me feel like i'm part of something really good.  
almost like  
home. 

****  
Location: fair grounds  
it's dark.  
(but it's night time so duh)  
the small breeze only exacts tiny relief from the summer heat  
and yet I feel like I need ten sweaters.  
and snow pants.  
I remember coming here every now and then as a kid  
as I passed through the wide world  
this place was good to me.  
Florescent lights banged like pots and pans and and I took relic in their warmth.  
kids ran and smiled and it was much too loud to ever be alone.  
As I got older I would talk with the carnies.  
Hear stories of better carnivals with more lights and noise and people.  
One man told me about a woman with sixteen fingers. He said she had the most beautiful face he'd ever seen.  
He was tall and his eyes were always glazed  
He taught me how to tell which games are rigged  
theirs always a tell. But that could be said about anything.  
I thought about showing him my powers. Maybe I could be a carnie too. And be secretly beautiful.

But I was too afraid I would mess up again  
like I always did  
and the glazed eyed man would come to hate me.  
Life is weird. 

The Titans are close behind but it really does look like i'm by myself. 

me: Slade are you here? 

He isn't. 

me: It's Terra, think you might remember me...I wanna talk 

theirs silence  
can we go home now? I did it? I did what Robin wanted so lets go home. I don't want to do this anymore  
I reak of icky venerability

me: guys I don't think He's gonna show

it's silent  
my stomach feels achy 

then I hear this sort of of rumbling  
like lots of foot steps  
no.  
no way.  
I knew Slade wouldn't show up because it would further confuse and frustrate us. That was the plan. 

A heard of robot minions swarm the fair grounds. 

Everyone comes out of hiding and I feel small relief 

Robin: Titans! it's an ambush! 

A robot comes at me and I jump on the carousel, completely powerless. 

I feel so useless  
thats because of.....oh right the uselessness  
now that I don't have powers, there's nothing I can really do.

Everyone starts fighting and I grip the little fake pony i'm sitting on for life  
(like a bad ass!!!)  
but none of the drones are really coming for me  
i'm pretty sure I should be at least a little bit attacked right now...  
Somethings up.  
I knew Slade would of known in advance about the set up but the amount of bots seems excessive  
it's a diversion. 

me: guys uhh

Raven: A little pre-occupied right now!

she levitates a bot and smashes it on the ground  
brutal.  
half sure she was picturing me.

I do feel a little embarrassed considering I am zero help. Less than zero help because they have to protect me, the civilian. I'm like negative five percent help. Also i'm literally on a marry-go-round  
at least it's not spinning...

I decide to slip away.  
I jump off the little white horse as inconspicuously as I can manage.  
for some reason I get the feeling i'm not going to be attacked  
at least not by the drones...

i'm supposed to do something  
or some type of message is supposed to be delivered  
maybe Slade just wants to straight up kill me  
whatever it is, once he does it, he'll call off the bots 

I walk further and further away from the group, feeling half guilty, half like i'm gonna pee my pants  
but in a tough way...  
ok maybe not.  
Slade terrifies me.  
I guess its because he knows me-  
but its a two way street right?

I head into the funhouse.  
This has to be where i'm supposed to go  
it has to be here.  
I remember the last time,  
I was looking at myself in all of those stupid mirrors and couldn't figure out up from down.  
I looked at myself and thought; my eyes have been replaced,  
my hair too,  
my whole body-  
what i'm looking at,  
it wasn't my body  
everything had just been replaced with replicas  
perfect little doll arms and glass eyes that looked exactly like me  
my real body was rotting in the dirt and I was turning to wax  
thats what I had thought...  
kinda creepy right? 

I keep walking  
its dark but i'm not alone  
I can tell when a place is empty  
metaphorical super power, remember  
gee whiz maybe that u'll save me! 

me: Slade can we cut the dramatics, if you want the pleasure of killing me yourself, just go ahead and do it.

silence

me: I'm defenseless so you might as well...

Slade steps out of the shadows, seeming to take me up on my offer  
I think of winter.

Slade: oh you silly, insolent child

me: Christ! do you have to be so creepy all the time!?! 

Slade: do you think it's that easy...

sigh.  
now I dont!!!!

Slade: besides, I don't discard my broken weapons I simply fix them from the inside out.

I think of winter.  
I think of that time they booked my Dad at that snowy rest stop.  
The way I ran for the forest  
how cold the metal fence felt on my hands.  
This discarded memory has suddenly lodged it's self in my brain  
I think of the way the police officer picked me up and carried me into his car.  
I scream and kicked the whole way as loud and as strong as I could.  
I remember he told his partner that he had me, but that I was disturbingly hysterical, almost animalistic, that I had somehow chilled him to his bones. Because I was such a freak. That really pissed me off. It just made me howl and screech even more. I would show that cop animalistic. I think I ripped off a piece of the seating.  
When they gave me to my Nana, they said that the early years are very developmental, so i'd probably always be a little off.  
That was a pretty shitty thing to say to a kid  
but it was true.  
I'd never be like everyone else  
i'd always be a little off  
like this ferrel wild thing  
fucking crazy  
fucking animalistic 

Slade fucked up  
sometimes if you scare someone too bad the fear just turns into messy adrenaline, the kind that makes moms lift up cars to save their babies. The kind that jolts you into being angry and compulsive.  
animalstic  
I am this word!  
deep in my black bones  
I am  
I am  
I am

I shift my stance, the way I did a billion times in my first life

me: Slade you know me better than anyone. You know how to scare me, you know how to mess with me. Your right I am insolent. i'm insolent and incoherently terrible and rotten. I have no control.... and one other thing 

I narrow my eyebrows

me: i'm going to kill you.

I know just a second ago I was offering up my life, but everything's changed. I feel all this power coursing through my veins, whispering sweet nothings into my ear.  
I start to glow  
and I lift the building...well the earth under the building  
i'm doing it  
holly shit!!  
my powers  
their back.  
I don't know if you know this, but building are heavy  
holly shit.  
I keep lifting the ground up in the air higher and higher, i'm 10ft up at least  
I'm strong.  
I forgot how strong I was  
I can do anything holly shit!  
Mirrors start cracking as furniture fly's around

I look back and realize Slade isn't here anymore. He must of jumped off while I was distracting myself  
but I don't care  
I want to keep rising up this shitty funhouse higher and higher so I can live in the stars and always feel this strong  
no.  
i'm overdoing it.  
I'm going to end up hurting my self, or worse  
I need to stop  
I just can't quite figure out how to turn it off  
thats when my stance starts to slip and suddenly everything comes crashing down 

oops...

I think I know how the wicked witch feels.  
a fucking house just fell on me!!!  
my fault but still  
I stand up, only minimally bruised, my ears ringing like crazy.  
My vision is blurred and I feel kinda dizzy.  
what did I just do?  
and why??  
I brush the dirt off my hands and try to take a step  
thats when everything goes black.


	5. The Stuff After All That Other Stuff...AKA The Circle Theory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I don't have a working computer at the moment so...Anyway if you read this I love you

Ok can I be straight up?  
My dad wasn't a bad guy  
thats what your'e thinking right?  
That i'm "off" because I had a shitty dad or something

he was arrested for tax fraud and embellishment.  
Whatever that means...  
Child neglect was somewhere in the mix  
he died in jail.  
But he wasn't evil.  
Trust me, I know what that looks like. 

Sure, sometimes we had to dumpster dive...  
Or he'd leave me in our parked car and forget.  
But it was ok because he was trying his best to be good.  
And even though I was little, I could be a grown up and take care of him too. 

I don't blame my father for anything  
i'm wrong because,  
I was just born that way  
too intense  
too crazy  
a big giant weirdo  
you could certainly make the argument I was born evil  
probably.  
Yeah that sounds right.. 

But living in that crummy motel six, with my dad, was probably best time of my life 

I used to thrash this toy fire truck down the motel stairs.  
crash!  
caboom!  
man I thought that was hilarious!  
I would sit on the second story walkway and just push my truck all day long, and wait for my dad to come home, with some funny story about why he was gone so long.  
Battling lions with laser guns Or ten foot aliens  
Not to say that we were spacist (space racist)  
Anyway, every once in awhile these girls would pass through, always leaning on the bottom of the stair railing.  
Always smoking.  
Always beautiful.  
But in a rough and tired way.  
And then there friends would show up;  
The smoking girl would always light up, booming her words and twirling about.  
Everyone loved her.

At some point I decided I wanted to be this.  
Someone soft when she needed to be, but could still beat up a truck driver on command. I wanted to be the type of tomboy thats tough demeanor, only highlighted how much of a girl she was. I wanted to be loved and liked and thought of always. I felt like this was the only way I could be happy.  
But I failed.  
As much as I wanted to be the girl smoking outside the motel six  
I couldn't.  
Maybe no one can-  
Not on the inside

but those girls,  
no matter how blue eyed  
or tough  
could never do the things that little blue eyed me has done. 

***********

I wake up feeling like the tingleyiest girl in the world. The room around me starts to emerge. I'm back at the tower. last I remember I was in that fun house and then-  
oh right.  
That.  
I start to make out a voice.  
I think i'm being lectured 

Robin: and you're supposed to regain our trust by running off? You were supposed to stay put. That was your only order. 

The lights seem so bright 

me: huh? where, what's....whats happening?

Cyborg: I think she blacked out again. That's not good man.

me: Again? I did this before? 

Robin: You fainted at the fair grounds

me: really? why?

Robin: Because you lifted a funhouse in the air and then dropped it...

me: Oh yeah thats right. Can I have some ice cream? 

cyborg: I think maybe you should go to a hospital 

me: nah, they have terrible ice cream at the hospital. 

Everyone silently groans 

Robin: just take it slow, tell me what happened, i'm sorry I got mad, it's ok. I just need to know. 

I suddenly feel naked 

me: um..

I pick at some dead skin on my lip compulsively

Robin: you can tell me in privet if that will make you feel better 

I shrug my shoulders, feeling dim

me: no...i'm sorry...i'm too afraid of you..that u'll just make it worse

robin: afraid of me?! why?

me: you don't want me to tell you 

because you remind me of Slade and he's probably going to turn me into a meat puppet again and I want to throw up. 

Beast Boy: just tell us what went down in the fun house? we've got you.

You maybe, but everyone else? Not sure. 

me: well I got my powers back! 

Raven: we noticed...

me: um also you guys have to destroy me....

Robin: What do you mean? 

I sigh and blow a strand of hair out of my face

me: I found Slade. He sorta implied..uh ....before I died, or got frozen, or whatever...he controlled me with this nerve suit...thing. When I woke up I was still in it.

Beast boy: What?

me: I was able to get the bits covering my skin off, but I was pretty hysterical when I woke up...the rest of it is still inside me. I fought it once but...he could be tuning me up as we speak. Plus if I gained control because of the power of friendship...thats probably like a one time thing. Destroy me, quick... its totally chill. 

robin: No, we'll figure something out, when I was Slade's apprentice he blackmailed me by putting these destructive microdots into the rest of the titans, but we were able to remove them. If I hadn't of been so rash, things could of worked out differently. Cyborg what do you think?

cyborg: Not sure, the suits been inside you for a long time, I don't want to puncture any organs. 

inside me  
inside me for a long time 

raven: I...might have an idea 

Raven wants to help?  
I cant take anymore information. Like what is this, exposition Tuesday?? I can't take this. I feel like i'm going to burst. I have my powers. The Titans expect me to be a better person. Are we friends, who knows?? I wouldn't be friends with me. Oh and I have my powers. I used my powers again. My powers are back. And that other thing. My mentor is going to turn me into a weapon from the inside out, and i'm going to kill everyone. k.i.l.l. What am I doing? What do I even want? Do I even want free will, or a personality? Maybe I should just give up and float away. I wonder how far I could levitate on a rock? Probably pretty far. I wish I had somewhere to go, somewhere where I didn't hurt like this. That must exist right? right? (of course it doesn't)  
i'm really trippin  
not in the drug way  
just...  
trippin 

I shake it off.  
I gotta stop spacing off like this.  
I need to focus  
I need to shut up, get over it, and focus. 

Everyone is staring at me.  
I feel too embarrassed to admit i wasn't paying attention,  
because that seems so careless  
thats me,  
the careless, careless girl

Starfire: her skin seems to be changing color, is she perhaps going through some sort of metamorphosis??

I want to know what Ravens Idea was, but I can't figure out how to speak...  
my skin must be going pale  
white like a ghost  
my eyes start to shut but I fight to keep them open  
gross images, and memories keep popping into my head and I can barley breathe.  
Why does this always happen to me? Why am I such a dumb spaz?  
I start to think about those bugs that live in caves, and loose there sight.  
I wonder?  
Do they ever miss the sun?

I fight hard to speak 

me: I....think....blacking out again

I sound whoozy. My voice practically sounds like someone else's.  
It scares me. Everything seems scary.  
I'm under the microscope  
everyone's staring  
I think i'm having one of those anxiety attack things  
or it's just internal bleeding from the fight  
either way I feel pretty darn weird 

I need to say something. Something that will make them all like me again. But i'm not smart enough to know what that would be...

me: I don't....I don't want it to happen again 

Raven: it's alright it wont. 

Does she really care? She seems to hate me the most.  
She knew.  
She always knew. 

I take a deep breathe, still processing what happened an hour and a half ago. What happened before that. My whole life maybe? Its all coming at me.  
but I sit up feeling more in control. For now....

"oh fuck" I wispier, wondering what the hell is happening to me.  
I run my fingers through the top of my hair trying to gather all my strength to get it together.  
I look at Raven

me: i'm sorry what was your idea, you know the one in the none destroying me verity?  
she gives me a skeptical look 

me: no, its better if I focus on something, then my brain will stop trying to anxiously consume it's self...

Raven: I could use my powers to turn you intangible, and levitate the machinery out, but it's risky. Like Cyborg said I could puncture something important.

me: But could you really do that, just like Azarath-

raven: I'd need an x ray so I know where to focus my energy. Plus I want to make sure I don't accidentally pull out your heart. 

"What's a heart," I say trying to be funny; even though i'm so comatose, I'm practically drooling.

I try to stand but i'm still too shaky 

Robin: you should get some rest 

right...  
walking home...  
to a cave  
with a grave  
a grave cave  
at night  
in the dark....  
I am not spooked!!  
I'm still coming down from a level 10 anxiety attack but yeah thats fine!  
What would Lizzie be doing right now?  
It's like 1am so sleeping maybe?

oh crap!  
I have a math test in the morning, and Jimmy Crinkle always gets the best score, and I want to murder him for making me feel inadequate  
I really want to be the best in every subject and be really cool and popular and then I'll feel better about the Slade thing.  
ok thats the plan  
reasonable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Raven: Robin she's a walking death trap. You've seen the kind of destruction she can do, if Slade controls her again it could-

me: right here....

Raven: And?

me: oh ok...

I slouch sheepishly  
my heads practically down to my stomach 

Raven: were wasting time

Me: yeah but i'm feeling kind of-

she pulls me up and practically drags me down the hall, as I try to remember how that walking nonsense works. 

me: What about the x ray?

She keeps pulling me which is super strange and alarmingly uncharacteristic

Raven: lets go to my room

me: uh alone....Raven are you gonna kill me or confess your undying affection?

She growns. 

We enter her room, which is all calm and mystical. 

me: I don't think I've ever been in here before? isn't there a 'do not enter!!' policy? 

Raven: Drastic times call for drastic measures. (pause) Alright lie on my bed

I raise both eyebrows

me: So you are confessing your undying affection for me!

she growns louder

Raven: Terra can you be serious for one second? 

I can tell i'm pushing her too far (always been good at that)

I lie on the bed trying to seem obedient  
but I wonder what this will feel like  
and if i'll like...I don't know die  
more concerned about being opened up on some spiritual, differnt dimension level.  
Ravens bed is soft. 

Raven: ok done.

My eyes go wide.

me: You did it? I didn't even feel anything, that..thing is out of me!?

Raven: I was only practicing, this is gonna take some time....but I can already get a sense of where the suite is, based on the blocked parts of your energy. 

She's really taking this seriously.  
I feel guilt rise to my head.  
This seems to happen more than frequently.  
Its like thousands of wobbly guilt elephants are balancing on my head  
I hate wobbly guilt elephants...

me: Thanks for doing this even though you hate me, I couldn't say I'd do the same. 

Raven turns away from me but I can tell shes gritting her teeth 

Raven: why would I help someone I hate? Why would I spend valuable time working on potions and spells to set free someone I hate? 

me: I...I don't know 

Raven: your so stupid Terra!

I lower my head in shame. My hair falls out of place covering half of my face.

Every time I'm alone with a titan things get all serious and sad  
I just want things to be happy  
I know I don't deserve it  
but,  
I'm such a mess....

I stretch out on the bed obnoxiously 

me: hey Raven, do you ever think about that tootsie pop commercial that's like "whats inside of a tootsie pop, the world may never know!" like gee whiz maybe it's a tootsie roll!  
Raven lays next to me which again, is super out of character 

Raven: it's "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop," not 'whats at the center of a tootsie pop,' Einstein. 

me: oh...but it's a sucker...you don't lick it..you suck it....

I start to laugh

me: how many sucks does it take to get to-

she puts her hand over my mouth 

Raven: no! 

I snort, which is pretty embarrassing and she laughs at me  
Raven looks at me, her hand still on my mouth 

Raven: are you going to stop being annoying? 

I shake my head 

she sighs  
I raise my eyebrows menacingly 

Raven: what?

I lick her hand and she moves it off my mouth 

Raven: thats disgusting!! I can't believe I ever thought you were cool!

me: Yeah that was pretty stupid of you...

We both laugh  
but then I start laughing really hard-  
which turns into crying  
strange crying  
not the type I would ever do in front of anyone  
i'm such a crybaby and I hate that about myself (like everything!!)  
But this is differnt 

Raven: I'ts ok, you'll stay in control of your body, I promise. 

This just makes me cry even harder  
i'm a really ugly crier too, my face turns volcano red and my checks puff out and I can't help but flare my nostrils  
I don't always look like that when I cry,  
but when it's one of those inner cry's-  
man....  
You know the kind that seem to come from that secret compartment in your stomach and ONLY come when you least expect it?  
I wipe my tears on my arm and try to breathe 

me: (insert wimpy, soft, dork, voice) did...did you...(sniffle) really...used to think....(sniffle) I was cool??

Raven: huh? Uh no, really annoying actually....I mean I guess some people are into that whole "I'm sunshine barbie! lets play sports! I love hiking!" thing but, not me...

I crack a half smile. 

me: Whenever I play sports I get majorly thrashed. I don't know why my initial instinct is to stop the ball with my face....

My voice is still shaky but for the first time tonight I feel a little more stable 

me: I guess I should get going, thanks for the help and the laughs and all man,

raven: i'm not a man!...wait where are you staying anyway?

me: The cave.

She raises an eyebrow. 

me: You know the cave, cave 

Raven: I...wait you don't mean the one where you were frozen?

me: The one and only, it's not exactly this place, but it has a ground I can crash on so you know, oh the inscription is great by the way!

I smile and try to get up as fast as I can, feeling like a small child whose about to get in trouble. 

Raven: don't you think that's a little morbid...and thats coming from me!

I shrug. 

Raven: you're level of self sabotage is almost masochistic, and I don't want to put up with that. 

me: Huh?

She sighs 

Raven: You think so lowly of yourself that your'e constantly bending over backwards to make sure your'e worse off than before, which I guess is your own business, except you don't care who you drag down with you. 

fuck.

me: Maybe I'm just stupid!!!

Nice comeback tiger 

Raven: Nobody's that stupid...

before I can comprehend whats happening I'm being pushed out the door and out onto the street.

I feel mad.  
Is that it then?  
Is she not gonna help me now?  
Just cus I'm living in my tomb  
it is MINE  
who's name does it fricken say???  
whatever...  
I just,  
WHATEVER.

ok,  
if there's one thing I've learned i'ts this;  
cause equals effect  
I think thats Neutrons law?  
I'm to tired to remember

As I walk home I can see light in the corner of the sky breaking through.  
It makes me want to reach out and wander into the wild  
but I cant.  
Because:  
Cause, equals effect  
or in other words, all actions have consequences.

It's pretty terrifying to think that everything you do, no matter how small, effects the world in some way.  
Even not doing has consequences.  
You might not think so at first-  
But existence in general seems to make ripples

I still have to go home and study.

math test in three hours... 

I don't think i'm done freaking out.  
will I ever be done??  
of course not idiots!

Can I tell you a secret?  
I mean all of this stuff is secret but like, a secret-er secret?  
I think i'm going to the dark place  
which is actually pretty happy and bright...and grey...  
But I still call it the dark place because when logic is involved....It's pretty damn dark.  
I didn't used to have it, But I do now, and I don't think there's any getting rid of it.  
It's like some conjoined twin I guess, one that makes life easier.

See i'm afraid of everything!  
I'm not afraid of flying on a boulder and punching a monster in the face, but thats not scary.  
Talking to people is scary.  
Living a mundane and consistent life is scary.  
I don't know how people do that...  
it astonishes me  
i'm utterly incapable

But as I drift towards the dark place; Parts of my personalty and emotions go away  
most of the time I feel everything  
and everything strongly  
but once my anxiety leaves i'm capable  
But i'm not me....  
Not really...  
But then of course I am, who else would I be!

When I can't feel sadness or fear everything becomes funny  
The whole world seems like this big joke  
and then I get confident  
really confident.  
And then I get...nothing?  
Of course it doesn't last-  
(noting does)

Eventually my sadness, and fear, come back- toppling over me and gutting me  
then logic  
and I think, hey-  
What the fuck am I doing?  
So then i'm sad  
But real.

Like I said before, I didn't always have the dark place,  
it wasn't always like this.  
I messed up, I even hurt people, but never on purpose  
and I always knew why I was doing what ever dumb thing I was doing.  
Or at least I was capable of pondering the dumb shit I was doing.  
But when i'm in the dark place  
I cant think about it  
physically incapable...  
That part of me is sealed off  
it's gone  
can't reach it  
just have to wait it out....  
But it makes me so mad because it wasn't like this  
I don't want to detach  
or do bad things  
but  
everything's a circle.....

I'm being incoherent and weird again aren't I?  
ok....  
Do you ever think about nuclear arms?  
I think that one day nuclear war will wipe out man kind  
but!!  
Some species of reptiles and amphibians will survive, but totally mutated!  
And thats how we get the dinosaurs!.  
Of course all these mutants carry there original gene, so as they procreate; over time TMNT will go back to TTAJT (turtles that are just turtles)  
So bam! Evolution is really just restoration  
and everything happens over and over like that  
in a circle.

I think our lives are like that too  
a circle

The worse thing thats ever happened to you will probably happen again  
maybe you'll face it, maybe not  
but in the end you just die.  
And then trillions of years later you come back and do it all over again

Wonder how many lifetimes I've made the same mistakes?

But there's nothing you can do.  
A circles a circle  
so you just have to keep going around.

Math test in two hours...


	6. Nowhere Land

As feelings pass through me like fiberglass, I try to hold on too old memories, in attempts to invoke willing emotions. Sadness. Anger. Anything.  
Anything to not go to the dark place.  
but I'm slipping.  
Even my memories become hazy  
and then return in dreams  
mostly nightmares.  
It's getting harder to tell what actually happened and what didn't. 

Last night I had this freaky dream with this man covered in scabs and burns and stuff. He was completely hairless. Not just bald but hairless. No eyebrows, no arm hair, nothing. And his mouth was almost to big to be human. But human enough. He kept talking to me in this New Yorker accent and calling me "dessert flower."  
creepy right?  
I've been skeezed out all morning.  
But I can tell it's no memory clawing it's way out of the hole of repression. blah, blah, blah. I can usually tell the difference  
but still...  
weird huh?

I'm looking at the schools lighting panels and suddenly wishing I could shrink very small and live in the ceiling. The bright lights scaring away evil and continuously purifying me.  
I could be tiny and watch every one else go by  
they'd all overlook me  
thank god.  
What a lonley relief it would be to disappear and still have the luxury of survival  
and to be bright  
it's those glorious, magnanimous, spectacular lights  
much too distracting for school.  
We should study in the dark.  
Or at least have the panels in differnt colors  
white is so boring.  
Personally I like red.  
Nothings better then a red neon sigh from a distance.  
Preferably at night.  
Preferably with no stars.  
Or a billion. 

I Remember once I saw a truck stop sign that said "twenty four hour diner,"  
but everything was dim except;  
"our hour."  
There was something so thrilling and exiting about that.  
Momentarily I felt like an extraordinary girl in her youth.  
but only momentarily.  
Because instantaneously I felt the need for friends and for love.  
To point at the sign together and laugh and be dumb and young and free  
but I was all alone.  
With no money, dirty clothes, and a crumpled up bus ticket to another nowhere land  
it wasn't "our hour"  
it was mine.  
And theirs nothing bohemian or glamours about that. 

God do I EVER shut up about this nonsensical bullshit! 

(and transition to) 

I was called into the guidance councilors office today. It's something that would never happen to Lizzie but honestly,  
I don't even care  
apathy...  
(yay) 

Her voice tunes back in.  
(Ceiling lights can only entertain for so long) 

Guidance councilor lady: Honestly Elizabeth I don't understand it. Out of no where you start acting up in class, fighting with teachers...it's...its honestly a drastic change in behavior, in an appallingly quick amount of time. This..I'ts concerning. Usually when a child acts like this something's wrong in their home life. 

haha "home" 

haha "life"

hahahhahahahahahhaha

I can feel myself start to daze off again but I try to pay attention  
come on Terra don't go the the dark place you 'soon to be' bitch!  
ok i'm already a bitch but like not a dis-associative monster without the capacity to differentiate murder from doing the dishes.  
Don't be like that. Dont. 

The councilor grabs my hand and speaks in her after school special voice.

Probably practices it in the mirror at night.

councilor: do you need me to call someone? 

I shake my head passively. Then pull my hand away.

councilor: Do you know what I can't wrap my head around? 

I raise an eyebrow.

me: Probably a lot, heads aren't really made for wrapping things...

She scrumps up her little nose like a pug. Her face is covered with foundation. Her breathe smells.

councilor: usually when a kid acts out at school, you start to see there grades slide like water down a drain 

me: wow! you should quit your job and become a poet. Really! Just beautiful!

I know she's just trying to help but I can't fight being a jerk  
ok thats a bad excuses  
but wait  
she is being PAID for this  
why don't I get paid for caring about stuff and shoving my nose in other peoples business? 

The councilor sighs trying to keep her patients  
I wouldn't be able to  
i'm being a B.R.A.T brat. 

councilor: The funny thing is out of nowhere you can't stop picking fights with our faculty BUT suddenly your grades are perfect. As in every class 

I look out the window and squirm around my office chair, antsily 

me: isn't that a good thing? can I go now? 

councilor: I want to talk about the bruises on your arms 

jeez way to be subtle...

councilor: Is someone, your mother, or your father pressuring you academically? 

I sigh through my nose and shrug

me: no, it's not like that. I like doing homework because it's something to do. I'm just more focused lately...The anger...I'm sorry...it's going to get a lot worse 

suddenly I sound ominous, like the little girl in a horror movie. Maybe thats what I am. I try to backtrack. keyword: try 

me: You know personality, feelings, emotions, there all just distractions. If mankind cut them off, we could do so much more. But then what would be the point, if you don't feel anything? you wouldn't want it then. The power, I mean...Because you wouldn't want anything 

yep defiantly a girl from a horror movie  
which reminds me,  
I have to go the movies later, and not be jerk. At the movies in specific but also just in general. 

councilor: Lizzie, can I call you that? You seem like a nice girl but-

me: what? I am not a nice girl! Why would you say that? Now I just feel guilty for giving you that impression... 

I get out of my chair.  
I feel so angry.  
people shouldn't think i'm nice. And I shouldn't want them too

and ok  
that stuff before  
so weird.  
Honestly I don't even know where that came from  
ok I kinda know where it came from  
old lessons stick I guess  
don't go to the dark place.  
please?

*****

Beast Boy: I don't think you're going to the 'dark place'

I try to remove my foot from the sticky, tile floor, that feels like wet cement 

me: you don't?

Beast Boy: nope. I think I can tell the difference..

me: really? what do you mean?

Beast Boy: I don't know, different posture, and facial expressions, and stuff...

me: really?

I grab at my cheeks for moment. It's weird to think about that. 

me: Hmm...

I pull my nose up and cross my eyes 

me: like this?

Beast boy: Yeah exactly like that. It was really menacing as you chucked rocks at my head 

we both laugh. 

Then silence. 

Beast Boy: you want a piece of liquorice?

me: "a?" 

Beast Boy: uh I bought you a box of liquorice??...here you go...

I laugh and kick up my feet onto seat ahead of mine 

me: i'm kidding! A piece is fine man! Thank you.

Beast Boy: uh..right...

I feel breezy. Nothing like at school today. My anger has seemed to pull the best vanishing act since Houdini. I guess I should be suspicious but I'd rather just speculate that all of my problems are gone and go from there. I yawn comfortably 

me: you know Beast Boy, maybe you're right. Maybe i'm not turning evil.

Beast Boy: No way! I mean probably...

well he's more sure than me anyway.

me: I've mostly been getting ticked off at grown ups...

Beast Boy: you still call them grown ups?!?

me: Adults! fine! whatever! 

Beast Boy: Why are you getting mad at adults?

I shrug  
i'm about to say something (probably stupid) (ok definitely stupid) when some guy turns around and starts yelling at us 

"hey will you two shut up, the movies starting."

I look over and see a man in his 40s. Presumably unremarkable. I hate him. I don't know why but I hate him. I hate that he thinks he can speak to me. Or think about me. Or regard me in any notion. I want desperately to seal him off from my own existence. I want to go back in time and make sure we never cross paths. Thats how much I hate him.  
random  
suburban  
man  
get bent, earth is for the young 

me: why don't you ask polity...

I try to say it calmly but i'm clutching my hand into a fist. I feel all clammy and weird. 

guy: Oh you wanna lecture me on being polite? are you kidding me!? You're in a movie theater blondie!

why am so mad suddenly?  
My rage is too large to be contained by the earth  
space?  
nothing.  
And what am I really mad at?  
surely not this guy  
whats wrong with me?  
I don't want to loose myself and  
become whatever this is  
I look at the man with intense daggers  
"you ruined my life!!!" I scream impulsively; drawing attention to the whole movie theater audience.

??????

a little bit dramatic perhaps? 

I look at blank faces that somehow seem sharp, but still blank, and flat like paper  
I start to run out of the theater.

Beast Boy: sorry she's going through 

guy: your girlfriends crazy

beast boy: no! I..uh it's not-

I finally reach outside. The heat hits me like a wall  
soon it will be summer.  
I can practically hear cicadas and kids jumping in swimming pools 

I see bb make his way outside the theater 

me:no! go back in! I don't want ruin the movie for you!

beast boy: Thats ok, I heard it sucked anyway 

I jump and hug him almost toppling him over  
"i'm so, so sorry" I whisper 

"it's"  
I hear him breathe in  
"it's ok" 

I wish that things really were ok.  
I wonder when he'll get sick me  
there's always an expiration date...

We walk along the sidewalk wondering what to do now that I ruined the movie. I feel embarrassed and awkward.  
As I walk I continue to loose limb after limb, but the city crowd is too discreet to say anything.  
Even though it's painfully obvious. 

I wonder why I got so mad at that poor man. I can't understand it. And I think its a safe bet that he didn't ruin my life. I mean what was that about??  
the only one who's ever ruined my life,  
is me.  
I feel level but missing. I think about the weird dreams I've been having. I remember times I ran so far, for so long and felt nothing.  
only now does my body feel sore and broken.  
But i'm glad to feel something.  
I'll roll down a cliff if it keeps me feeling  
keeps me here.  
Which is a little ironic I guess...

I turn to Beast Boy

me: what do you wanna do now?

Beast Boy: uh beats me. I'm broke. We could go back to titans tower and watch a movie there 

I try not flinch  
we come by a park bench and sit down 

Beast Boy: what?

me: I really am sorry about the movie. I wish I hadn't of done that. 

Beast Boy: I know, it's all good 

me: so who do you think won in Space Robots vs. Space zombies? 

beast boy: Hello! The robots! dude zombies are just brainless dumb-dumbs and I mean...I guess robots don't have brains either but uh...its not like a zombie bite would infect a robot, and thats pretty much all they've got...

me: It does make me wonder what zombies were doing out in space in the first place. Was there a colony of humans living on mars? Did an unknown virus infect them? Why are there so many?

Beast Boy: Yeah, but I guess you can say the same about the robots. Uh who built them! 

I laugh 

me: yeah man! 

Beast Boy: yeah and- wait your'e distracting me! Terra! 

me: What? i'm not! ok I don't want to go back to your digs, but I mean this park bench is just as cool 

Beast Boy: My friends don't hate you as much as you think they do, besides I thought Raven was helping you with..you know 

me: I don't know bb...she got mad at me and I think I might of been permanently banished..? 

beast boy: Nah thats just how she is....oh and you know Starfire wants to talk to you she's just a little shy

me: Starfire is shy??

beast boy: She wants to ask you if you guys can uh...what was it?...uh scrub feet or something. You know that thing that girls do? 

me: Well my feet could use a good scrubbing but she probably meant a pedicure 

my face goes red

me: did she really say that?

Beast boy: yeah! and Cyborg's pretty chill about almost anyone, I know you said Robin scares you but he's really not mad at you and r-

I hug Beast Boy again before he can finish, probably breaking his back in the process  
i'm excepted at the popular table! 

me: Tomorrow then! I promise. I'll make everything right and then i'll be a good person, and everything will be the way it was supposed to be! 

Beast Boy: really? 

fuck the dark place.  
If really, really, good people still want to be my friends after everything I've done, maybe theirs hope for me after all. 

me: Promise. 

 

I decide to sleep outside tonight.  
Theirs just to many stars to pass it up  
is that dopey?  
I don't care.  
I am in love with the world.  
I think I may be in an abusive relationship, but I am in love with the world.  
Sometimes I really do feel like i'm made out of sunsets and dirt and old traffic lights, and I am thirty feet tall  
I am in love with the world. 

I don't want to be angry  
I just want to be the way I was when I was little, when all I wanted was to do good.  
I want,  
to want,  
to do good.  
Which is good enough,  
I guess...  
Maybe I should stop being a normal high schooler and start thinking about being a hero  
or maybe my moods are just changing sporadically and I should just chill out.  
truth be told-  
I'll never be the way I was.  
And that makes me so angry, but maybe thats ok. Maybe it's ok to be angry. Maybe that doesn't mean i'm evil. I'm just dealing with my shit like everyone else, you know?  
But it will be ok...  
because I still love the world.  
And I want to be good  
but...

Have you ever heard the phrase a dead man walking?  
It doesn't mean like a literal dead man  
it means someone who is alive-  
But might as well be dead.  
Cus there gonna get whacked or killed or whatever.  
My history with Slade makes me like that; Except I already died, so that makes it all complicated...  
The main reason someone would pick death as a punishment is because it's permanent  
but if it isn't, then whats the point?  
I can think of a dozen things worse than death.  
I'll get my punishment eventually  
for now I'm just waiting...  
It's eerie I guess.

I wonder if one day I'll just be gone again?  
honestly I don't like that thought.  
I don't like that I was gone once.  
but...  
Maybe one day I'll just stop posting  
my last entry will probably be something stupid and anticlimactic.  
And then that will be that.  
Anyway,  
I think I'll be dreaming of waffles tonight...

*******

Readers note: with soft, whinny, feeling

fuck. 

It's been a whopping eight minutes and I can't fall asleep. Maybe lying in a ditch was a bad idea. Sleeping in a weird cave thing was probably a bad idea too. I just liked the idea of seeing the sky and- you know..  
feeling like I don't have to hide.  
But this is way too open. I can't stand it. It makes my skin crawl.  
Most people don't sleep outside so maybe this is a normal thing  
not a 'I feel like i'm being violated all the time' thing  
maybe I should live in a house.  
That would be nice.  
The fridge would always be packed with food and all the rooms would be painted bright colors. I'd like to have a yard with a big tree for my nine guard dogs to play. I'd play loud music and anyone who wanted to stay with me could. But maybe the house could be out in the wilderness somewhere. Or I could just live in a house in the sky. And I could come down every once and a while because the earth would miss me. 

I start to think about Tomorrow.  
Maybe raven could levitate the nerve gear out of me. I think i'd feel a lot better then. I think I could be happy then. Because I wouldn't be connected to any of it  
I wouldn't be bound the way that I am.  
I think I want to be a good person one day  
I know I already said that!  
I'm so repetitive and redundant  
But honestly I just want to be worthy of being a good person... 

i'm still laying out here  
somewhere in the dessert  
nowhere land.

I can feel myself finally start to drift towards easy sleep  
but I hear a noise  
I jolt awake immediately.  
I turn my head and see the man from my dream last night  
no  
the one with the scabs and no hair  
no  
no way  
he's...  
been watching me sleep

he starts to run but my powers kick in immediately; I create a solid wall out of the dirt that surrounds us.  
This guy, he's been watching me  
it's happened again and I didn't even realize  
again.  
I'm so stupid...  
I rush at him  
I must look terrifying  
I feel terrifying  
I grab him by the throat and begin to crush his wind pipe  
I look him in the eye the whole time  
he is so ugly  
this man.

The ugly man pleads and gags, begging for life  
I want to be good. I can't kill him.  
Even though I want to. 

I drop him and he coughs and coughs and coughs 

me: how could you do that! I didn't give you permission! I don't want you to know anything about me! but you've been watching...how long?

the ugly hairless man struggles for breathe 

ugly fucking man with scabs and no hair whom I hate: jeez lady, are you even human? 

me: i'm not a lady, just a girl! I can't even take care of myself i'm so young! I've just never had another choice in the matter!

my voice starts to crack. The ugly man starts to get up and I kick him in the face. Hard.

me: stay down. That's where you belong.

ugly man: What the fuck! look dessert flower, you need to calm dow-

Me: dont call me that! 

I scream it  
Antarctica can hear me.

me: are you working for Slade or something? Is that whats happening?

ugly man: look, girl, ok, my name is Sal, I called you dessert flower cus I know you like to camp out in the dessert and you lived there and uh such. Anyway I knew your dad in prison

I break focus for a second but only a second. I ask again: "Did Slade send you?"

Sal: uh, it's bigger then that ok..its uh complicated

were wasting time

I sharpen a rock to a point with my mind. it fly's over to his neck

Me: straight answer or I'll slit your throat. If your wondering about my capability, i'll do it, reds my favorite color.

god I'd be the creepiest hero 

Sal: ok dessert follow! Jeez! you're a lot nicer when your sleeping you know that! 

I glare 

sal: ok, alright, he did send me. He sent me cus I knew your father and because he knew you were looking out for him. He wanted to know what your mental state was, and how, uh what you were doing since you've been back. 

me: Why? And why watch me while i'm asleep? Everyone sleeps! 

sal: I just...thought you were...I don't know.. a pretty girl, dessert flower. 

he starts to whisper 

sal: I'm actually rooting for you when all this is over 

i'm so close to killing him. I feel so much anger and disgust I feel like my psyche has exploded for sure. But I drop the rock. I'm not giving in to my anger. No matter how campy that sounds...

sal: Thank you, I..that, is much appropriated.

I make small but hard rocks form around his wrists as hand cuffs. 

me: You do realize you're my prisoner now right? 

****  
I've had some particularly sucky moments in my life.  
For example:  
Dragging some old, freaky, suit man, (who works for Slade and likes to watch me sleep FOR FUN)  
not my favorite. 

I've never interrogated anyone before but I have watched cable tv...so I think I can handle myself. The trick is to be smooth and calm even though I'm tiny and freaking out. 

When we get back to my digs I immediately use my power to meld "Sal" into the side of the mountain.  
I'm strong.  
I'm strong.  
I'm strong.  
No one can touch me. Not Slade and certainly not this Sal guy.  
What I want to know, is where is Slades hideout? Maybe I could get the upper hand and ambush him. Maybe I could work with the Titans and we could stop Slade and all become friends again and so forth. But maybe this is part of Slades plan. He wants sal here so he can find out my secrets...or something.  
No I'm not being paranoid!! 

I put on my gloves. Only to wig out and confuse my captive. I am so good at this!!  
Time to be bad cop...but smooth bad cop...I can't look desperate. I must be cool and breazy.

I look him in the eye 

Me: I don't even care 

????  
That's not a question Terra.  
I swallow the lump in my throat 

Me: where is Slades hideout 

Sal: hmm? Uh I feel hurt, I think you hurt me, I uh might need a nurse lady. 

He scratches at an unsightly scab 

Me: we're under ground. I can move the ground. If I were you I'd answer the question. 

Sal: I uh, you know I always run that risk in my line of work, always run that risk, uh yeah I've made uh that peace, so to speak. I wouldn't mind if you killed me lady I uh really wouldn't. But gosh it sounds like that information for you uh is...what's the word? Impertinent. 

I sigh deep into my shoulders 

Me: what do you want?

Sal: hmm how about, how about this, I ask you a few questions, you answer truthfully, then I give you the address?

Me: your'e not gonna ask for your freedom? 

Sal: You know I didn't think of that, but um? No. I'm gonna stick with my first answer.

I raise an eyebrow.  
Something about this is fishy. Maybe Slade needs the answers to these "questions." Maybe Sal looks so comfortable in his rock cell for a reason. Or, maybe he's just a weird guy? Plus I'm desperate to find Slade's hideout.

I bet Robbin would know what to do... 

I stare into Sals eyes trying to find....something, what I don't know...  
I reach my hand to shake his, but then realize I cuffed it to the wall.  
doesn't matter. I've made my decision.

"deal."


	7. No where Land (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been in a funk latley. I'm not really sure if this chapter is good. I CAN tell you its weird. Sorry...

No where land is a vast, intangible and unattainable place. It stretches from city to city, covering most of this strange earth. But only some have lived in no where land.  
Maybe all,  
for short periods.  
When they find themselves in lonely livelihood.  
But you have to be careful.  
If you get to close to no where land;  
It will swallow you.

***  
I have to let Sal ask any questions he wants. And I have to answer them. Then I get the keys to kingdom; Slades hideout.  
I could lie. I'm good at that. Plus Mr.skeez doesn't seem like the sharpest sharpie in the marker box. But I have to remember that this could all be an act. Nothing is true. Fucking nothing. I have to have my wits about me. Then I can prove myself as one of the goodies or...whatever. But first I have to find some fucking whits man. This just in; I'm dumb as fuck!!!!!!!

Sal: So should I uh, go ahead and ask my first question?

I dig around my nest for a hair tie

me: can you give me the address first? I don't have a lot of time today for interrogations...

sal: I uh I think I might suspect you would just walk away you  
Know, dessert flower, not holding your end of bargain and uh...such.

That was exactly what I was gonna do.  
I'm dumb as Fuck (reprise) 

I tie up my hair, agitated by the circumstances of everything thats ever happened ever. 

me: Fine. Lets just get this over with. I have to go to school you know. 

sal: I uh do know...cus uh...the whole keeping tabs on, um you... that is, thats bizarre you know? the school thing, but uh anyway, whatever, ok here's a question for you. So hey why'd you do it? 

me: what, "it" it?

Theirs a silence. I suddenly feel like my pony tale inst tight enough. I redo it, but it still isn't right. I don't want my hair in my face. I don't want it bothering me.  
That question.  
That fucking fuck question.  
Why did I want to work for Slade in the first place.  
it's not something i'm good at at talking about  
thinking about...  
I'm surprised that Sal would just come out and ask "it," but I'm not sure why.  
l look down at the floor.  
I see dirt and mud  
cave usual's  
no bugs though  
no bugs without eyes

 

me: I dont know ok...no clue. I guess i'm just brainless like that. 

Sal: I thought that you know. It's funny you have me as a prisoner right now, but I feel bad for you kid, I, I do. 

me: then why are you working for Slade?

Sal: I work for a lot of people. Its nothing personal. 

me: it feels slightly personal dude. 

I flare my nostrils and clench my fist, but deep down I know I have to stay calm, if I don't want the whole cave to come crashing down.

me: don't feel sorry for me! What are you an idiot 

He seems like an idiot...

sal: uh yeah ...alright then I think I have my second question. Tell me dessert flower were you always so insecure like this? It's so sad. you gotta be more confident. 

me: thats what you want to ask? 

I don't get it. Slade already knows the answers to these questions. Probably better than I do.  
I answer anyway. 

me: I could never do anything right back then. No matter how much I tried, I just made things worse. When your'e born wrong, you tend to get insecure about it.

Sal: oh I get it now. I uh that all makes since.

I could suddenly see this change is Sal. In his posture, even his voice felt more together. 

Sal: So from what I've gathered so far, you were very insecure but..uh only on the- the inside right? didn't want anyone else to know. But unfortunately certain types of people notice it, just by the way you present yourself. It just happens kid, this older man right? the guy i'm working for. Lets see what else. Just thinking out loud here, did he ever, I don't know talk to you like you were a child or a dog maybe. Like short commands? that would make since. 

I shrug my shoulders. 

me: I guess so...

I have no idea whats happening...

Sal: Right! this makes the victim feel like there own independent thoughts are, I don't know, stupid and insignificant. 

me: I'm not a victim. I became evil! I went to the dark place! 

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. 

Sal: Oh! whats the dark place?

me: I...all of my feelings get sealed off, and I think everything is a stupid joke. It majorly sucks. 

I think Sal is manipulating me. I'm so easy to manipulate...

Sal: Interesting.... well that could uh be like a uh, maybe it's like a dis-associative defense mechanism. Probably involuntary. But I uh, i'm just spit balling. Very interesting. 

My face goes red. I cant tell if its because i'm angry or embarrassed. I crinkle my nose. 

me: What the fuck, why are you psychoanalyzing me?!

Sal: Oh thats my job. I'm a therapist for anomaly people. 

me: anomaly people?

Sal: yeah! You know like supers? Meta gene personnel. Whatever you want to call it kid. Used to work for the government and everything. Then I don't know, something, something happened, and I guess they didn't want me anymore. Then I went to jail for a spell. Met your dad! He had loads of ideas about the government. Now I mostly do free lance stuff. Sometimes I have to work for uh, some uh, shady people. It's unfortunate uh you know... 

I sigh, trying to process. I have to leave for school. And I promised Beast Boy I would come to the tower afterwards but my brain is eating its self.  
Fuck.  
I'll do it all. And then tonight i'll kill Slade.  
I think killing might be wrong or something  
I don't know, i'll decide later.  
I'll do all of it. Easy peasy.  
fuck. 

me: I think I've answered enough questions. Give me the address. 

Sal: you answered two!

I glare.

Sal: look ok sorry dessert flower. I don't have one. An address, I mean. A lot of my clients mail in their instructions. 

me: You tricked me!!?!

Sal: It was really easy. You have stop being so vulnerable 

I-

I punch a wall with my fist. (ok duh what else would I be punching with, my elbow??) As soon as my hand touches the wall I end up making a whole other room for the cave. Stalagmites swirling around everywhere in these crazy sporadic directions.They seem so angry. Its like i'm looking at my own mind. I hate it. But i'm also impressed.  
I just did all of that, with out even trying  
"whoa" I catch myself whispering  
I'm a mess, but at least i'm a powerful mess! 

me: I gotta go asshole. I'll decide what to do with you later

Sal: what about food?

me: I said i'll decide what to do with you later

Sal: wait wait wait!

me: what!

rocks float all around us 

I'm having trouble pulling it back into my stomach. 

Sal: its, it's important, I watched you sleep for physiological reasons. Sleep patterns are telling. I just wanted your reaction before. And boy howdy did I uh get it. I just didn't want you to be that creeped out. 

me: It's still fucking creepy kiss ass. 

Sal: Your not evil 

Me: kiss ass! 

i'm mad.  
That's what I am  
Screw all the rest.  
Like it's his decision what I am. He just wants to trick me again.  
Because its so easy.  
I want to be good  
But it's so obvious.  
So obvious that i'm not. 

"you're wrong." I whisper holding back tears.

i'm so stupid.  
for crying  
for thinking  
for-  
wishing?  
I put my hair in a ponytail one more time,  
and leave. 

 

As I walk to school I cant help but think about how messed up I am. Not in like the angst-y teenager way but in the real way. This Sal guy is all in my head already. someone is always in my head. Just like that chea commercial. You know the one thats theme song is like "cha cha cha chea?"  
Always in my head.  
I guess its good that they have such a catchy song, because I don't know why anyone would want to bye a plant, that kinda looks like hair, or something. No offense to the Chea people, I just think theirs a lot of better ways to spend ones money. Like on clothes, and bedding, and I don't know, a cheese burger. What I should really spend money on is shampoo. I always just swipe them from hotels, but the bottles are so tiny. They run out so fast. Honestly I get a little bit intimidated buying shampoo and conditioner. I can never tell which is which. The bottle will always say crap like "mango, goddess, blast, beautiful, essence, oasis, splendor" and then in teeny tiny letters "shampoo." 

once I painted over a shampoo bottle so it just said "shampoo" in big black letters. But then it all washed off in the shower. My leg was covered in paint. I think thats the one time I came out of the shower dirtier then I came in...  
wait-  
I DID'NT MEAN IT LIKE THAT I WAS TWELVE YOU PERVS

i'm rambling again. I do that when i'm nervous  
is there a word that means"fuck" but like in a classy kind of way?  
Is there an elegant and graceful way to cry on the sidewalk as the "cha cha cha chea" song plays in your head?  
I think when girls become women, they're supposed get all smart, and nice, and pretty...  
Puberty just made me evil and confused  
i'm like a fly that just keeps flying into the window; Convinced that eventually the magical glass will disappear, and i'll be able to move forward.  
I-  
I have to keep going today  
I don't think this dumb feeling feeling in my stomach is going to go away.  
ever.  
but I have to keep moving-  
because i'm alive and I have feet so I have to keep moving.  
And I guess I might as well figure out how I can be happy while i'm here. 

Maybe I am a victim like Sal said  
I guess it doesn't really matter  
I just have to keep moving

I walk to school, small tears running down my cheeks, like beads of glass. I ignore them. I'm so tired. I begin to walk faster. Worried i'll miss the first bell. I'm walking so fast I don't think I can ever stop. I'll just have to keep walking like this forever. 

"Preston" I hear called out behind me.

I halt, auto pilot still in effect 

I look behind me, and see Sam Laster, the boy I went on a fake date with. 

I smile, but my face is stained with tears.

Sam: Whats wrong?

I wipe my face with my sleeve. 

"nothing" I say soft like satin. The words almost seem to glide through the air. 

We walk together in silence, until we come to an arching window of a coffee shop.

We sit. 

Sam: It's cool, first period is free for me.

me: I'm just really upset about moving.

I say it without meaning too. But Lizzie Preston, my safe, safe, allies; seems foreign to me now. 

Sam: when?

me: A couple of days. It's so unfair. I'm always moving. And I never have a say in it. 

sam: Is that why you've been acting out in class?

Sure why not.  
I nod sweetly 

sam: Can I kiss you?

What??

me: I'm sorry, i'm just not really in a good place right now...

I think I've seen girls in movies say that before. 

I stand up but he still TRY's TO KISS ME  
This cant be my first kiss. He doesn't even know my real name.  
I panic and kick him in the knee 

Sam: what the fuck Lizzie! Are you insane! 

me: You cant just go around kissing people without permission! 

Sam: You kicked me in the knee!

me: I usually go for the knee because it's the weak spot, but I guess I should of gone for your ego! 

My face is so red and my forehead is the temperature of Mordor. 

I start running to class. Not looking back. I think this is going to be my last day and I don't want to miss it. Plus it distracts me from the grown man I have locked in my cave/home. 

I really have never kissed anybody before  
I came close once but-  
but, I don't think i'll kiss anyone in my life.  
it's not like theirs a law saying you have too. 

I catch up to the other students but i'm sweating like crazy. My ponytail feels too tight and I feel bad about Sam Laster.  
But not that bad. The rumor that this is my last day will spread like crazy. The rumor that I kicked Sam in the knee? even faster. But thats the least of my problems. 

When I was only 11 I lived in this little poor mountain town. Only for four months. It was colder than most places I've lived. Not North pole cold, but still cold.  
Why am I thinking of that now?  
that doesn't matter  
it's just a random fact.

What am I gonna do about this gross, scary man trapped in my room. He scares me so much it makes me want to decapitate him.  
And then it scares me even more that that's where my mind goes.  
What if he escaped?  
What if he's rummaging through my personal things. The quirky items I've accumulated over the years, and felt that I could not show to anyone.  
What if he's starving?  
What if hes scared like me?  
He didn't seem scared... 

i take a seat but i'm sweating. I shouldn't be in a classroom. That's not my place.

I raise my hand.  
The sports ED teacher calls on me. A large woman in shorts, she's probably being made fun of for. Lizzie would laugh but never make those kind of jokes. I hate those kind of jokes.  
She raises her eyebrow and I realize i'm supposed to say something. That is why I raised my hand wasn't it? 

me: uh, can I go to the nurse? 

Teacher (Mrs. Anne): Did you just come to my class, barley beating the bell, just to tell me, you don't want to be here. 

her voice sounds so deep  
like she should be reading shakespeare  
telling me my story is full of woe or something  
I don't know why I never noticed that before  
whatever, I have my self, to tell me my story is full of woe. I mean; duh! 

again i'm supposed speak.  
out of your mouth remember  
dogs understand that command... 

i flinch and make a bunch of vague gestures with my hands.  
then walk out of the classroom  
Smooooooooth  
I feel weird, like theirs this new stuff in me.  
Or maybe it's my old stuff. The irretrievable stuff, lost to the gluttony of the dark place 

I don't feel sad about leaving the school forever. 

I return home, calmer than I was. But I still have to go to the tower. I don't want to break that promise. It's important. Something about everything right now is important. 

So there was this kid. like 17. I was 11.  
He was kinda like my older brother or something.  
But things went wrong.  
He's probably dead. 

So i'll never stop hating myself. 

I don't want to be good so i can redeem all my wrong doings. I like fighting the good fight. It's completely selfish. I love it. I'm a bad person, and i'm sorry, but here's the thing:  
I'm an asshole.  
I wish I wasn't but I am  
I can hate myself like I do  
I could hit myself in the face with a frying pan every morning  
but that wouldn't make me less of an asshole-  
I'd just be the asshole with the frying pan imprint on her face.  
so I guess I might as well get on with my life if I can 

I'm back at the cave. 

I sit staring at Sal.

me: want a power bar. There not bad

Sal: my hands are tied up, how uh, am I gonna, you know eat it?

I put it on a small rock and levitate to his mouth

me: eat it or don't, but make up your mind. balancing this thing isn't easy.

he shakes his head

me: suit yourself 

me: so.. what am I supposed do about you. 

sal: you know I died once

I sigh

sal: just like you. I died. They uh, the government associates. I don't remember there names. I don't remember uh a lot. They were trying to wipe my memory I think. but it killed me.

I cant help but be intrigued .  
I come closer.

me: really? 

Sal: I uh I saw this golden bird. It was huge. It looked like a sunset on fire. I uh I don't know if you believe in you know a higher power, but whatever this was...

he trails off

me: was it florescent?

Sal: florescent?

me: The bird. Was it florescent?

Sal: Yeah. y]Yeah i guess so. Florescent. So you've seen it too?

I shake my head slowly

me: I didn't see anything. Nothing. 

Sal: Well uh...maybe you just cant remember. 

I blow a strand of hair out of my face, passively. 

Sal: This bird. It was terrifying. But I wasn't afraid. I bowed my head. And then it flew through me and I woke up and it was three weeks later. 

I raise my eyebrows, pressuring him to go on.  
but I still hate him.  
I hate him. 

Sal: I think that uh, I don't remember what. That machine. Took some stuff from me. My uh memory for one I guess. Made me uh a little, a little wonky. But I you know, i think that bird gave me something 

me: what?  
Sal: I don't know. somethin 

his stomach rumbles.  
I feel guilt. But a differnt color of guilt.

Sal: you know I think that bird gave you something too. you just haven't found out what it is. You, you gotta figure out whats stopping you.

I feel annoyed again; But part of what he's saying resonates. In a way I cant put into words. Maybe i could if i were a writer...  
But...  
well you know...  
I decide to go for the defensive 

me: stop trying to therapy me! you're too close the situation. it's inappropriate. 

Sal: That's uh, thats actually true. Physiologists need to be an impartial party that can see things from far away. How did you know that?

"I read stuff..." I mumble, half annoyed, half embarrassed. 

me: Besides! look you had this amazing near death experience. Isn't that supposed to make you become a better person?!? Look at you! Look who your working for. 

Sal hangs his head down. In shame? It could still just be an act. I could still just be falling for it. 

Sal: You came back from the state you were in. Do you feel like a better person now?

I'm silent  
I feel like crying  
again.  
Ugh

me: I want to be a better person. That's what matters.

This is true I think. I feel good saying it.

but theirs only one way to move on. Become whole. Possibly find a new insight- (via magical sun bird.) 

I release Sal.

Sal: your letting me go? 

me: I really hope it doesn't turn out i'm playing right into your hands. That would kinda suck. But it wold be pretty easy to kill you...so...you know... 

I leave the cave. Its not a home. It isn't a place i should be living. 

next stop, the tower. (man have I been all over the map today.) 

When I arrive i'm confident but shifty. No not shifty. I don't know how to explain it really.  
Did you ever hear the story?  
The one about Moses parting the sea?  
I don't know if you believe in the type of stuff. I don't know if I believe in it.  
But it must of been scary don't you think?  
These big, humongous, horrifying, waves, just towering over you.  
That would be so humbling I guess  
feeling so safe, but knowing the water could crash in on you, at any moment  
you don't think of waves as tall  
but they were.  
Not deep-  
tall. 

I don't know where i'm going with this  
i'm sorry  
though at this point, your'e probably used to my rambling  
if you've made it this far...  
has anyone made it this far?

forget I asked  
focus Terra....

I walked into the tower, feeling like a black hole of guilt.  
nothing new...  
But, I was a little taller  
I've been learning to slouch less.  
body language is a great marker for how confident someone is.  
I guess I kinda felt like one of those tall waves.  
the ones that shouldn't be tall but are  
the ones that could come crashing down, destroying everything, at any second.  
I think thats progress?  
progress is good.  
Anyway, back to the present 

Beast Boy: you made it!

me: a promise is a promise right?

My pony tail is bugging me for the ninth time today. Why did I ever decide to put my hair up again? I mean defiantly not for any symbolic reasons thats for sure.

Beast Boy: you look...exhausted

me: Yeah it's uh been a rough twenty four hours...is it ok if I talk to Raven? I need to fix whatever made her mad at me. I know i'm just being selfish again, but I really need her help. 

Beast Boy: Terra, asking for help isn't selfish. I'm really proud of you.

I blush

"thanks" I say coyly 

luck be a lady, Raven enters the room. 

I walk over to her  
maybe a little too quickly 

me: Raven. I need you to get this medal out of me. I know you're mad at me and i'm sorry, but your'e the only one who can help

Raven: i'm not mad at you. At least not more that the usual amount. I thought we were actually...

she rolls her eyes 

Raven: I just figured you bailed on my help, because thats how you are. 

Ouch. 

me: Didn't you ban me?

Raven: I would ban everyone from ever bothering me ever if I could 

"see!" Beast Boy says trying to ease the tension. "That's just Raven being Raven! Nothing to worry about." But he steps back a few paces after saying it. 

me: Raven I need you to-' whatever physic energy thing you were doing,' I need you to do it. I gotta get that junk outta me pronto. 

Raven: I can do another practice session if you want, though I'm not really prepared Terra.

She says my name like shes spitting out glass. But I don't mind it that much. There's something kinda endearing about it. 

me: You can do it.

Raven: I'm not ready 

me: I wont push you but I Know you can do it. I trust you. 

Beast Boy: Ladies...maybe we should take it easy here. Whats the rush Terra? Whats going on?

When beast boy says my name it's the opposite. it's short and easy. Like he's an expert on saying my name. Like it's the softest word there ever was. 

I make this weird noise in frustration, because, fuck. What am I going to say. 

me: I cant have part of that suit inside me. Part of him...you get the drift. I'm never going to get better or move on like that. And I- I cant take it anymore

I slouch my shoulders and stare at the floor.  
There goes that good posture thing...

Raven: Fine. I'll levitate the medal out. I'll do it right now. Or at least I'll try...

I look up from my worn out shoes, I had once covered with polish, to seem new.

"really" I whisper?

It starts to rain. 

We walk towards Ravens room 

Beast Boy: she seriously LETS you go into her room 

me: I know right! 

Raven: Well that's what happens when people don't turn into flies and go in anyway. SOME people can mind their own business. 

Beast Boy: uh...right...

me: um..am I "some people?" cus I literally used to be a spy. 

Raven: just... both of you shut up.

Me and Raven head into her room. We close the door, leaving beast boy behind. 

me: Should I lie on your bed again?

I'm not joking this time.

I can see a bubble of stress pass through Raven. She breathes and her face seems to ease up. 

She's nervous but i'm not. I don't exactly know why, but I believe in her. And i'm exited to move on. 

I lie down. 

Raven: Can you start breathing in and out. Small but slow breaths. 

I nod and close my eyes

Raven: i'm scared I'm going to hurt you. But as long as i'm focused I should be fine

I keep breathing, not really sure what to say. 

Raven: Will you tell me a story? It will keep me focused and help me find your subconscious.The part that wants to hold on to the negative energy. It's almost like lots of little hooks that hold on to your nerve gear. 

I take another breath. 

me: Can you see the dark place? All that messed up stuff. The holes inside me?

Raven: If it makes you feel any better, Beast Boy and Cyborg were trapped in my mind once 

me: really?

Raven: This is pointless if you aren't willing to get comfortable with me. You should talk about something. I'll work and it will distract both of us. 

me: um...yeah...I've been thinking about something a lot today. Can I talk about that?

Raven Nods, but she seems to be in some sort of trance now.  
her eyes are far away and glassy. My heart beats to the sound of the rain outside. 

I feel so nervous. Like my butts gonna throw up.  
I was the one who wanted to do this. I still do. So I have to be brave.  
I have to be brave if I want to live.  
I start to talk.  
A story for Raven...  
One about my past. 

me: Once their was a little girl. She was a eleven but immature in all the wrong ways. Mature in all the ways kids shouldn't have to be. She had been living in this mountain town for a few months. It was colder than she was used to, but she was adapting. When she ran away she realized she had knack for adapting. Never enough to fit in. But close. Close for a little while. 

The other kids in the town loved to shoot off Beebe guns. Each small town had its own weird thing, and guns was this one's. The girl wanted to play with the other kids, but the sound of the guns shooting off, always made her laugh. She didn't know why. She had heard the sound on TV plenty of times. She wasn't afraid or nervous. But it made her laugh. 

 

My whole body feels like a tiny vibration. Is that normal? I hope it is. I continue the story, but my voice is shaky. It's vibrating too. I wonder how long this will take. The practice run hardly took any time at all.

Me: The parents could tell the girl came from nothing and nowhere. That worried them about the safety of there own kids. I guess I can see why. She was strange. Nobody laughs at the sound of a gunshot. You just don't do that. I'ts just not something people do. But the girl didn't care. No.... That's a lie. She did. But she gave up, on trying to be friends with the kids quickly. She recognized the pattern. And she didn't want to be found out. For you see, this 11 year old girl had a horrible secret. And she would do anything to not be found out. 

I start to shake more. I feel relaxed, like i'm slipping. Like that feeling you get, when you know your'e about to fall asleep. Your eyes get so heavy, and it feels so good and safe. But my body keeps shaking. Spasming. I'm almost certain this isn't part of the plan. But I still feel sleepy. Which is nice I guess, because I haven't slept in a while. I hear Ravens voice as I continue to shake like crazy.  
"Come on Terra stay with me. Come one. Your alright. It's ok. It's ok." She sounds terrified. Am I dying again? That would suck. But I feel too tired to give a shit. My heavy eyes fall closed.  
I hear Ravens voice one more time  
but I cant make out what shes saying.  
Because I drifting.  
I'm a balloon again.  
And i'm drifting off into space.


End file.
